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Teen Poetry #7
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and I'm still saying the same things...
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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and I'm still saying the same things... |
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Lexy Senior Member
since 2003-01-28
Posts 1038California |
When asked for her age she held up her right hand. She didn't know until later when she was using both her hands to prove her age. Even then she wasn't sure. She didn't know until he kissed her how destroyed she had been. She didn't realize his touch couldn't cure her like she always hoped it would. (and she's left loving him without hope.) Now it makes perfect sense, when your bleeding from the head. And the anger is the tears and the shake in her voice is the pain. And your bleeding from your fingertips. And you'll never feel again. So help you god. or so it seems. She washes her body with water that never runs clean. Always dirty on the outside, always empty on the inside. Its never worth thinking about until the night brews coffee and a silent whisper to a blank wall. The words which smoke the air, the phrases which black my lungs. The hardest part is that I believed every word you said. and it seemed to fill in the wholes. And when you touch me now and I hear your voice, all cool and casual. My hands start to shake and I'm bleeding from the head. You always got to my head, quicker then my heart, and that's what I loved the most. except now... I'm left with my cold cup and the sunlight growing on an empty wall. Loving you without hope. |
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| © Copyright 2004 Alexis Smith - All Rights Reserved | |||
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EagleScorpion Senior Member
since 2000-03-08
Posts 1644Here, Now, Forever |
love without hope is like a bird without wings |
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Savage Quiescence Member
since 2002-07-29
Posts 326Wandering |
I liked this. There were a few things that caught my eye, though. It's small stuff, really, but every bit helps. In the line, "Now it makes perfect sense, when your bleeding from the head." your should be you're. Same thing with the line, "And your bleeding from your fingertips." "and it seemed to fill in the wholes." wholes should be holes. "You always got to my head, quicker then my heart" then should be than None of those things are a big deal, but correcting them would make for a smoother read because even small things like that can be a distraction to the reader. Good write, I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing. |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
I really enjoyed this, Lexy... I love the whole 'feel' of it... Especially these lines... "She washes her body with water that never runs clean. Always dirty on the outside, always empty on the inside. Its never worth thinking about until the night brews coffee and a silent whisper to a blank wall. The words which smoke the air, the phrases which black my lungs." and these... "I'm left with my cold cup and the sunlight growing on an empty wall. Loving you without hope." I love the images this read left in my head... Very nicely done... "When the power of love overcomes the love |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
"When asked for her age she held up her right hand. She didn't know until later when she was using both her hands to prove her age. Even then she wasn't sure." "You always got to my head, quicker then my heart, and that's what I loved the most. except now... I'm left with my cold cup and the sunlight growing on an empty wall. Loving you without hope." these are good lines. the rest is just so-so. these are good lines to build off of though. |
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