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bubblegum

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Allysa
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since 11-09-1999
Posts 2307
In an upside-down garden


0 posted 11-22-2004 10:45 AM       View Profile for Allysa   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Allysa

she blurs them all together
dating one monstrosity
of everyone she's ever know

you can't get that close

whisper sweet things in the phone
she'll disregard you later, you know
it never much mattered what you'd say

it couldn't stop her

she is this sweet strange girl
his blunt hurt princess
your crazy punk rock girl

a different person to everyone

they remember her laugh
those short shorts she wore
as she ran screaming down
away from you

he remembers her tears
when he hurt her he knew
exactly what he was doing
to make her cry

and you

You just remember her
turtle earrings and all those songs
unwrapping a piece of bubblegum
to pop a bubble in your face.
© Copyright 2004 Allysa - All Rights Reserved
Marshalzu
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since 02-15-2001
Posts 4465
Lurking


1 posted 11-22-2004 01:12 PM       View Profile for Marshalzu   Email Marshalzu   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marshalzu's Home Page   View IP for Marshalzu

quote:
she blurs them all together
dating one monstrosity
of everyone she's ever know

you can't get that close


I love this stanza wonderful and it seems to ring true with me. Only thing that I have to say is that perhaps the “know” is meant to be “known”? Personally I think you could have done more with the presentation to reinforce the imagery, for example;

“she blurs them all together dating
one monstrosity
of everyone she's ever know”

That probably breaks the flow too much but it’s what I would have done.

quote:
whisper sweet things in the phone
she'll disregard you later, you know
it never much mattered what you'd say

it couldn't stop her


I like this stanza although I thought, that “it couldn’t stop her” should have been attached to the stanza as it seems relevant to the stanza, whilst the single line above seems to be more detached from the subject of the first stanza.

quote:
she is this sweet strange girl
his blunt hurt princess
your crazy punk rock girl

a different person to everyone


Probably my favourite stanza because of the three different almost contradictory viewpoints.

quote:
they remember her laugh
those short shorts she wore
as she ran screaming down
away from you

he remembers her tears
when he hurt her he knew
exactly what he was doing
to make her cry


These stanza’s are quite confusing, I know that you are trying to represent these three viewpoints but in the fourth stanza you represent two viewpoints and it’s not clear where the two viewpoints are separated. Fifth stanza is good and to be honest I think I know what you are saying here; that her boyfriend was hurting her deliberately? Probably wrong but that’s how I’m interpreting it

quote:
and you

You just remember her
turtle earrings and all those songs
unwrapping a piece of bubblegum
to pop a bubble in your face


I really like this last stanza, it’s quite sweet and very well written. Err sorry for the dissection, I was just in the mood for it, I really enjoyed reading this if that didn’t come across elsewhere.
fearing-laughter
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since 04-24-2001
Posts 647
land of cheese (Wisconsin)


2 posted 11-23-2004 10:33 PM       View Profile for fearing-laughter   Email fearing-laughter   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for fearing-laughter

i won't analyze it as much as he did because i'm lazy (lol sorry) but i really did like this. first off, the title is eye catching and used in the poem which is good stuff.  i like the first stanza as well, but the one about the guy making her cry and knowing why? as my weird english teacher would say 'that's a GOLD NUGGET!" :-p. keep writing =)i'm puttin this in my library.

bergundy

"Be who you want and do what you will, in the end those who matter won't mind, and those who mind won't matter." -Dr Suess- (a brilliant man)

Allysa
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since 11-09-1999
Posts 2307
In an upside-down garden


3 posted 11-24-2004 09:44 AM       View Profile for Allysa   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allysa

Zu, you're right, it should be known, not know.  You've inspired me to consider a rewrite on this, so thank you. I'm glad you like it and I love that you dissected it. I love it when people break things down and analyze them or explain things for me.

Thanks bergundy!
*Alli4000*
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since 03-21-2004
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The World of Poetry


4 posted 11-24-2004 04:28 PM       View Profile for *Alli4000*   Email *Alli4000*   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for *Alli4000*

I cant analize it like Zu cause I'm too lazy..lol...plus I probably wouldn't even know what I'm doing.
But in shortest terms, I liked it alot. Great job Allysa!

~Alli~

*:.AIM = Alli4000.:*   My Journal
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened...

Acies
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since 06-07-2000
Posts 14805
Twilight Zone


5 posted 12-11-2004 03:20 AM       View Profile for Acies   Email Acies   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Acies

Allysa has always had her own style
it's different but at the same time it tingles the brain
meaning to say, one has to think
that's exactly what Zu has done
good work Allysa
nice to be back in here seeing the same faces
keep sharing
Allysa
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since 11-09-1999
Posts 2307
In an upside-down garden


6 posted 10-12-2006 07:28 PM       View Profile for Allysa   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allysa

rewriten,
posted in latest Teen forum.
just, in case anyone reads this and wants to know.
 
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