she blurs them all together
dating one monstrosity
of everyone she's ever know
you can't get that close
I love this stanza wonderful and it seems to ring true with me. Only thing that I have to say is that perhaps the “know” is meant to be “known”? Personally I think you could have done more with the presentation to reinforce the imagery, for example;
“she blurs them all together dating
of everyone she's ever know”
That probably breaks the flow too much but it’s what I would have done.
whisper sweet things in the phone
she'll disregard you later, you know
it never much mattered what you'd say
it couldn't stop her
I like this stanza although I thought, that “it couldn’t stop her” should have been attached to the stanza as it seems relevant to the stanza, whilst the single line above seems to be more detached from the subject of the first stanza.
she is this sweet strange girl
his blunt hurt princess
your crazy punk rock girl
a different person to everyone
Probably my favourite stanza because of the three different almost contradictory viewpoints.
they remember her laugh
those short shorts she wore
as she ran screaming down
away from you
he remembers her tears
when he hurt her he knew
exactly what he was doing
to make her cry
These stanza’s are quite confusing, I know that you are trying to represent these three viewpoints but in the fourth stanza you represent two viewpoints and it’s not clear where the two viewpoints are separated. Fifth stanza is good and to be honest I think I know what you are saying here; that her boyfriend was hurting her deliberately? Probably wrong but that’s how I’m interpreting it
You just remember her
turtle earrings and all those songs
unwrapping a piece of bubblegum
to pop a bubble in your face
I really like this last stanza, it’s quite sweet and very well written. Err sorry for the dissection, I was just in the mood for it, I really enjoyed reading this if that didn’t come across elsewhere.