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Teen Poetry #7

The Dark Wink of The Moon

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

0 posted 2004-10-28 08:12 PM

The Dark Wink of The Moon

“There’s a newborn moon tonight.”
Whispers the late light.
“Covered in orange innocence, still
Slipping behind sackcloth clouds
And dripping soiled ashes.”

“Ah, but the moon takes the
Shortest path to midnight.”
Argues the early night.
“See how it bows it’s
Head in shame when the sun’s
Sleepy eyes open again?”

If that’s all you will be,
You’ll be a waste of time.
Tie me to light and dark,
Sliding happiness and sorrow,
Leaving today and pursuing tomorrow.

…And all the people seated on the floor
Know I’m right, I’m doing right
I never meant to be like this…

darkness_witch
Senior Member

since 2003-12-03

Posts 516
Underneath

1 posted 2004-10-29 12:14 PM

great stuff

loved the ending... umm cant give any critiques cus its so friggin awesome

nice

love and empathy
darkness,
Sophie

nirvana means freedom from pain, suffering and the external world.

*Belabebeautiful*

Senior Member

since 2003-01-03

Posts 696
washington, USA

2 posted 2004-10-29 12:52 PM

I loved the imagery in this piece, probably a favorite of yours as far as the imagery goes, I could see perfectly the moon and the clouds in the sky. I also like the two different ways of looking at the moon like in all things that have two different sides. I think however that you may need to add something between the second and third stanza to make it flow together a bit better. When I was reading I was thrown off there because it the writing style seems to switch so dramatically right there that it detracted me from the poem, other than that this is once again beautiful work.
~Live and Laugh~

Don't look to me for perfection for I will surely let you down.
~Bella~

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

3 posted 2004-10-29 11:39 AM

Thank you both very much. i edited this and it is better.

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