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Teen Poetry #7
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so much for run on sentences
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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so much for run on sentences |
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Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden 
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The war is lost and I, I had to surrender, I couldn't fight it the ideas, the paper-mache happiness the confusion swallowed me whole and i was without a flashlight I couldn't find you Sometimes, I look after you peering out the window simply to make sure you're really gone I watch the sky the trees are shadows beneath the pale light and I, I am lost in the darkness of the clouds, the lost sun This will never leave me You will never go quiet steps toward the door not brave enough to even touch the handle too scared to leave cowardess, I am this Nothing and everything wrapped up inside a dismal person with an excuse for everything and a reason for nothing. So much for run on sentences when they never mean anything more than the words I can't say slowly but must utter faster than you can comprehend so that I might confess and confuse at the same time. |
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| © Copyright 2004 Allysa - All Rights Reserved | |||
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
hmm...i liked the first stanza a lot, the middle was kinda...meh. i dont know. the last stanza was great, but like i said the middle section wasn't near as good. i think you should build the rest of the poem around the last stanzs. post more in here allysa, the forum needs it! |
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Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
alex - here's the story. The first section, up until "i watch the sky" was written last year. the middle part was written a little while ago, and the end was tacked on because the middle wasn't a good enough ending. This is actually the beginning of a series of poems that I am thinking of doing with the same title, and then turning into a video-poem-documentary thing for my video class. Anyway... yeah. So I should be posting other ones soon. My computer has been very sick lately, and was just recently fixed, so my poetry shall return for your viewing pleasure. |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Well I'll tell you now I really like the ending and it would be an awesome concept for a series. HOPE you get an A+!  If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. |
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*Alli4000*
since 2004-03-21
Posts 3188The World of Poetry |
"The war is lost and I, I had to surrender, I couldn't fight it the ideas, the paper-mache happiness the confusion swallowed me whole and i was without a flashlight" I also liked this first stanza the best. And I hope you get an A too!  Thanks for sharing your poem. I enjoyed reading it, and can't wait to read the rest that you've got coming! ~Alli~ *:.AIM = Alli4000.:* Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened... |
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kissa~rachelle Senior Member
since 2003-11-27
Posts 988nowhere special |
I agree with Alli. The first stanza was amazing! A video-series (i think thats what you said) would be awesome. I cant wait to see the rest of your poems... Like i said before this was amazing, and i am sure the next will be even better. Karissa I ask why, but in my mind, |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
I've always loved your work Allysa Good to see you backand then He created the horse... |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Great writing Allysa, I'm just sorry I missed this when you first posted it. Andrew |
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