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tearsoflove13762
Member

since 2004-09-05

Posts 488
Texas.. and yes i have an accent

0 posted 2004-09-15 12:22 PM

Lying in a room,
all alone.
People around me,
yet I am by myself.
I can not talk to anyone,
nor can i move toward them.

Lying here in a uncomfortable bed,
surrounded by roses and my best friends.

My family walk by me,
with tears in their eyes.
And I wonder why they are crying.

I am alright,
no longer hurting,
and in a happy place.
feel free to advise me in any way to make this poem flow better or anything.

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

1 posted 2004-09-15 07:23 PM

I don't know about this. I mean, so many things have been written about this idea before: poems, books, etc.
Don't get me wrong, I like your poem...it's just that it's too vauge. Maybe if you could add on and elaborate to tell how this person died...or like what they remember before ending up in the room. Do you get what I'm saying?
This poem has soo much potential, you just have to work at it and add on more!

~Alli~

*:.AIM = Alli4000.:*
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened...

tearsoflove13762
Member

since 2004-09-05

Posts 488
Texas.. and yes i have an accent

2 posted 2004-09-15 08:51 PM

thanks! actually i tried that but i didnt really like it ill try again tho!

PoeTik JusTice
Member

since 2003-01-05

Posts 186
California, USA

3 posted 2004-09-16 02:47 AM

Great poem, shows a lot of feeling!

XoXo Love Alwayz XoXo
*~Serena~*
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return." --Moulin Rouge

aussie teen
Member

since 2003-09-27

Posts 396
Australia

4 posted 2004-09-17 08:16 AM

this is sad, vague enough for someone to think for themselves and beautiful all at the same time.... this is amazing... i have tried writing like this but i am never able to get anything im happy with.....
keep up the writing.
Ruth

live life as if your going to die tomorow....... but love as if your going to live forever......

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

5 posted 2004-09-17 09:48 AM

actually, i don't like it that much. like someone already said it's too vague. there is nothing new here. i would try and come up with an idea or image that is totally original and build off of that. here's a hint: if it sounds familiar thats because it's been done before.

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