what has your leaving presented my fears with? (waking to pictures with missing perso

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young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

0 posted 2004-09-06 10:50 PM

what has your leaving presented my fears with? (waking to pictures with missing persons)

distance veils my emotion,
hiding the deepest sighs,
softest whispers, quiet lies.

keep a hole close to your heart
so i can crawl inside somtime,
with lonely songs, sorrow in each line.

fake a desire in your voice
a longing with no attempts or tries,
blank smiles, dull shimmer in your eyes.

what will tombstone tomorrows love?
a surprise for the oldest prize,
love's grand canyons and greatest heights.

[This message has been edited by young_blood (09-07-2004 12:44 AM).]

Don_Juan
Member

since 2004-04-08

Posts 252
Far from where I am going

1 posted 2004-09-06 10:56 PM

you never cease to amaze me. the metaphor usage and rhyme just helps to strengthen the poem. Good write and keep the spectacular writing coming

nice use of muffin

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

2 posted 2004-09-07 12:53 PM

thanks a lot don_juann. encouragement keeps me writing

tearsoflove13762
Member

since 2004-09-05

Posts 488
Texas.. and yes i have an accent

3 posted 2004-09-07 01:00 AM

wow! thats all i can say bout that!
laura

AtLsHawTy17
Member

since 2004-09-07

Posts 60
IL,

4 posted 2004-09-07 08:25 PM

wow i like this, its deep, very good

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

5 posted 2004-09-08 12:10 PM

thank you both for the encouragement. anyone with any critiques?

A.L
Member

since 2003-03-15

Posts 131

6 posted 2004-10-05 01:56 AM

I like this one!

"keep a hole close to your heart
so i can crawl inside somtime,
with lonely songs, sorrow in each line."

I wanna hear the music to your poems...

)

I see me frowning in your eyes...
I see the fear in you...
Where no one ever should be...

::From Autumn To Ashes::

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

7 posted 2004-10-05 01:23 PM

Alex.. if I could breathe out my nose, I might be able to think of something more intelligent to say than that you totally rock my world. I think this is one of the best of yours that I have read. Kudos.

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member

since 2003-11-27

Posts 988
nowhere special

8 posted 2004-10-05 07:25 PM

hmmm..well, first i would like to say, how much i loved the poem, which you should already know.

There isnt much to critique in this, except, that maybe some of it sounded a little forced. but other than that, i cant really think of anything else...just that i loved it.

Karissa

I ask why, but in my mind,
I find i cant really rely on myself.
~~~Linkin Park~~~

*Belabebeautiful*

Senior Member

since 2003-01-03

Posts 696
washington, USA

9 posted 2004-10-06 12:36 PM

hmm...I liked this, like much of your poetry it gave me something to think about. I greatly disliked however, the one ryhme scheme with the sighs, eyes, tries, prize, it would have worked except that you didn't use it in the second stanza and in the last stanza you didn't rhyme the last line to prize which to me through off the flow. But I LOVED the second stanza, definitly my favorite, just everything about it was wonderfully written. Overall this was another vastly enjoyed poem.
~Live and Laugh~

Don't look to me for perfection for I will surely let you down.
~Bella~

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

10 posted 2004-10-06 08:45 PM

thank you all for your comments and critiques! ya the flow was thrown off, but i wanted it like that. i kinda forced more concentration onto what i was saying.

babygirlwlove
Senior Member

since 2004-10-10

Posts 1180
New York City

11 posted 2004-10-22 01:27 PM

young_blood...

keep writing...you have the gift...

love&light,
**babygirL**

**Intoxicant to the SouL**

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