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Teen Poetry #7
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croyles
Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 102


0 posted 2004-08-12 05:35 PM




The Phoenix Fire

Your love was sweet when all else failed,
your eyes mirrored the time youth's cluttered thoughts ensured a content heart,
every breath you sprinkled on my lips seemed true.

Although I ceased to spell out grief and gave you pain,
for all the ashes I smeared on love you'd water my mind;
your tears redeemed like the fiery bird's,
so from the abyss of ashes our love be born anew...

I gave steroids to our senses
at naked nights and coating days,
that protected all our treasures,
by stilling your will to sate the thirsty tides:
with your fathers encryptions in your soul.

But the storm swept away our love-imprinted clouds
and shocked my mind with your natural lies.
You could not give the same I gave,
you could not feel the pain I felt.
No more flowing rivers for you,
The end of your Phoenix tears,
Swept away too, by the storm...

[This message has been edited by croyles (08-13-2004 09:04 PM).]

© Copyright 2004 croyles - All Rights Reserved
*Belabebeautiful*
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Senior Member
since 2003-01-03
Posts 696
washington, USA
1 posted 2004-08-13 02:34 PM


I'm still pondering this one over as I respond...It was very unique and I liked it very much, I had a question in the end is it supposed to be "two" like you have or "too"?
Other than that it was an enjoyable read, the flow was off in a few places but not distractingly so, and the ways you put some of your words together really made me smile!
~Live and Laugh~

Don't look to me for perfection for I will surely let you down.
~Bella~

croyles
Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 102

2 posted 2004-08-13 09:07 PM


Thanks a lot belabaeutiful, I am so thankful that you replied to my poem. It was a spelling mistake which I dont often make, thanks for pointing it out. I am really glad that you liked it. I have only started writing poetry very shortly, so I am still a bit overwhelmed by all the things you need to watch out for in a poem, and it is because of that that I get discouraged a lot of the time, but the people here are mostly very kind, the only place I gotta watch out for  is the Critical Analysis forum, there are a whole not more expactancies over in there.


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