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Teen Poetry #7
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Spearfish On A Slack Line
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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Spearfish On A Slack Line |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN 
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May a slow deth come upon me, One that lasts up to 60 years or so, One that takes my sight as the television exposes itself, And one that may close my ears to the sailors singing on the radio. May life fill my deth, Life that shows no signs of ending, It will shine through my eyes even when I am blind, It will spill from my mouth though my tongue is sluggish and tied, And life will filter into your mind and then your life will become mine. (i know that deth is misspelled) now im alone, but not lonely like before |
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| © Copyright 2004 Alex Lewis - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Lexy Senior Member
since 2003-01-28
Posts 1038California |
you use life SO much, too much in that ending section. I like this line: "It will spill from my mouth though my tongue is sluggish and tied" A sluggish tongue. tongues kind of look like slugs. Ha. thats besides the point. I feel this could have been so much better, though I'm not sure how... it just felt...lacking. hmmmmmmmmmmum |
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*Belabebeautiful*
since 2003-01-03
Posts 696washington, USA |
Not a favorite of mine from you, definitly. doesn't seem up to your usually very high standards of writing, I suppose because this poem doesn't seem to portray any type of message or doesn't lead the reader anywhere, I would try to expand if you could. I really like the first line of the second stanza however, it made me stop and think on it for a moment. ~Live and Laugh~ Don't look to me for perfection for I will surely let you down. |
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kissa~rachelle Senior Member
since 2003-11-27
Posts 988nowhere special |
yes, i agree with bela.... It seems like you could make it better... in some way or other. Like lexy said, it jsut felt lacking, maybe unfinished??? I liked the last stanza though, you always seem to make them amazing... Karissa I want a relationship i can finally sink my teeth into.~ Alexander Sterling |
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blackandwhitehorizon Member
since 2003-05-05
Posts 183an akward state of mind |
ah i like this one. your poetry is amazing and i usually read it over at least twice, and still sometimes i don't feel that i understand what it's saying, though i still love them. this one i really liked, maybe it is because i can actually derive a meaning out of it. maybe that's why other people aren't liking it as much, maybe they think it's too bland? anywho... my opinion is this one is awesome too "love is but a song we sing and fear's the way we die" |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
it was supposed to be simple. at times i get tired of writing poetry that is so deep, this one was just...simple. i may go back and revise it. thank you all for the comments. |
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