Lead Pellets (Soaked in Whispers)

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Teen Poetry #7

Lead Pellets (Soaked in Whispers)

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

0 posted 2004-07-22 12:35 PM

Peer through the smoke
Into the eyes of the adversary,
Planning to smote
Him with a sopping incindiary.

The all-out war
Explodes with snipers afoot,
The veteran's corp
Knows the bounty of the loot.

Now hands are tied
Like hostages in authority,
Ransom notes lied
And rulers were left out to bleed.

Anarchy in class
Won't let the vacant sign stare
And this won't last
As the principal's voice blares.

Whispers escape,
But nothing else finds the exit;
Poor child soldiers,
Never meant to win, only to lose it.

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

1 posted 2004-07-25 08:19 PM

With the way my mind works, you score major points with the first stanza and the use of the word adversary.

This one had subtle bite to it. I like that. It (the subtle bite) picks up more in the third stanza, I think.

So, on a side note, has your band recorded anything? My boyfriend does guitar/vocals in a ska band and drums/vocals in a pop-punk band (stuff like the queers and screeching weasel). If you have recorded anything, I'm intereted in hearing it, if possible. Just, email me or something (cranberry_bubbles05@yahoo.com).

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

2 posted 2004-07-25 09:04 PM

thanks very much allysa, my band has to record, we are waiting on a person to help us out. we've got about 6 or 7 songs that we could do now. it's getting tough to sound diverse in each song because i am only one guitarist and no one else

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

3 posted 2004-07-25 10:29 PM

I thought this was alright.
Not as good as the others I read.

I understood what you were trying to do, but let it be known the title was pretty great. You're good with the titles, which you know what buddy?!?! Too many people overlook titles.......

a title is what catches the eye, and the content is what keeps the reader there, willing to hang on your every word.

So as far as titles go- you've got the magic hehe.

keep it up man

I left my wallet in El Segundo...
And I gotta get it
I got got to get it!

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

4 posted 2004-07-27 10:06 AM

once again thanks dopey for the encouragement

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