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blackandwhitehorizon
Member

since 2003-05-05

Posts 183
an akward state of mind

0 posted 2004-06-27 06:06 PM

This isn't the best as poetry goes, but it kind of has a connection some people may get. It's another one of those ones that you might not understand, and I'm not really throwing it out there as my work of art that I'm trying to improve, it's just one of those poems full of meaning for me and maybe someone else...

I really am okay,
I’m just going to cry a bit.
Because your familiar eyes always
seem to pull my tears out
over anything
In an unstoppable shower
of this child's emotion.
So I’ll rain them on your shoulder
And when you leave I’ll probably stop.
But you’re here for me
And like a movie
We’ll get through this.
And soon enough
We’ll be wishing back for times like these.
So don’t take it too hard
And don’t let my tears hurt you.
Because I’m just a kid crying
But really, Mom, I’ve grown up,
And like a movie,
We’ll get through this.

[This message has been edited by blackandwhitehorizon (06-27-2004 07:49 PM).]

Stepharoo
Member

since 2004-05-04

Posts 149
Washington, USA

1 posted 2004-06-29 08:07 PM

I really like it, I can feel your emotion. I dont know why some people didnt reply to it. Anyway keep up the great writing!

fearing-laughter
Senior Member

since 2001-04-24

Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)

2 posted 2004-07-01 03:33 AM

hey
aw you wrote a poem for your mum? that's cool..i try but they always end up sucking. this one was pretty good, and you're right...i didn't understand it all, but the parts i understood were cool.

bergundy

"Be who you want and do what you will, in the end those who matter won't mind, and those who mind won't matter." -Dr Suess- (a brilliant man)

BabieDoll
Member

since 2003-02-13

Posts 268
BFE

3 posted 2004-07-02 08:45 PM

I thought this poem was very good...and true. BTW: I like your name. Very...sophisticated ( did I spell that right? LOL ) I hope to see much more from you.

~J.Lynn

There is not ONE person in this world that you cannot live without.

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

4 posted 2004-07-02 10:15 PM

blackandwhitehorizon--

You've got onto something here, and you show a lot of potential as a poet in this piece. The metaphor you used is awesome! I'm wondering...as an experiment, how would the poem turn out if you didn't explain the metaphor (i.e. "And like a movie, We'll get through this") and just let the reader find out for themselves? It'd be interesting just to see.

Some of the word choices didn't quite fit into the context of the poem. (i.e. "In an unstoppable shower of this child's emotion.")
"Shower" just stuck out when I read this and I felt maybe you could use a stronger word here, like "storm" or something along those lines. Just a suggestion.

Overall, I really enjoyed this and thought this was a very original write. Good job.

--Leah

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