The Storm(edited !) - pipTalk Forums

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tapper798
Member

since 2003-07-20

Posts 353
My own world

0 posted 2004-06-06 05:10 PM

The Storm

The rain falls freely down to earth
as the tears fall down my face,
clouding up my mind...
now a scared and confused place.

The lightning strikes the ground
as your love has stuck my heart,
leaving me utterly helpless,
and unable from you to part.

The clouds swirling across the sky,
in a vortex or love and hate,
reminding me of the hurt and pain,
brought to me by fate.

The rain keeps growing stronger,
flooding the grounds beneath my feet,
just like your love flooded my mind,
blinding me from things to see.

The wetness is soaking through the clothes,
chilling me straight to the bone,
protecting me, as you had,
and never leaving me alone.

The darkness has taken over,
as has my loneliness with out you.
If you were unable to lead my way,
I am unsure of what I'd do.

-Erin

Well, I got some comments on this poem last time and I looked at it and redid some of the parts that I was commented on to make them better. Usually if I redo a poem I don't repost it but this is one of my favorite and most challenging poems and I would really appriciate comments and critiques!
-Erin

"If ever you think of me out of the blue, just remember it's all the kisses I've blown in the air finally catching up with you!"
*~Erin~*

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

1 posted 2004-06-06 10:52 PM

I really like this poem. And the comparing of the storm to your feelings.
Since I didn't read it before I couldn't tell you if you've improved it, but I liked it.

Thanks for sharing.

W.W.
We were meant to live for so much more have we lost ourselves?
Maybe redemption has stories to tell maybe forgiveness is right where you fell.

Rommance_Touch
Member

since 2004-05-07

Posts 97

2 posted 2004-06-07 07:08 AM

Nice work, it flooded my feelings, all parts are really sweet, but these word i liked more

this lines:
The lightning strikes the ground
as your love has stuck my heart,
leaving me utterly helpless,
and unable from you to part.

hope 4 u more nice work!!!

*Belabebeautiful*

Senior Member

since 2003-01-03

Posts 696
washington, USA

3 posted 2004-06-10 12:46 PM

Greatly improved! It was lovely before and now it is stunning! I liked the line changes in the last stanza and taking out the "sad" did wonders for the "feel" of the poem if that makes any sense. Once again, well done, I loved it.
~Live and Laugh~

The memories are worth the pain when the happiness is outweighs the sorrow
~Bella~

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

4 posted 2004-06-10 01:41 AM

Erin~
I had not read the unedited version ... but I can tell you that this is rich with feeling and imagery~
*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*When the heart grieves over what it has lost,
the spirit rejoices over what it has left.
- Sufi epigram <))><

noles1@totcon.com

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

5 posted 2004-06-30 08:44 PM

I'm speechless.....this poem is really good....wow!!!

~Alli~

sweet_cute_palestinian04
Member

since 2004-04-11

Posts 418
Earth

6 posted 2004-06-30 09:29 PM

THIS POEM WAS THE MOST INTERSTING POEM I HAVE READ FROM YOU,,,It REALLY REALLY MADE ME TEAR,,YOU REALLY MADE ME REALIZE I HAVE DONE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER!!!!!!,,,, thank u soo much 4 this wonderful poem ,,,especially this part

The rain falls freely down to earth
as the tears fall down my face,
clouding up my mind...
now a scared and confused place.

THIS PART IS THE MOST INTERSTING PARt,,i dont know why but i loved this poem....keep posting please,,,love and respect

Fate is what controls the world so just let it go and I PROMISE YOU WILL MAKE IT!!!

BabieDoll
Member

since 2003-02-13

Posts 268
BFE

7 posted 2004-07-02 08:52 PM

This was a good poem...thanks for the read.

~J.Lynn

There is not ONE person in this world that you cannot live without.

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