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Teen Poetry #7
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Standard Use of Lines That Mean Nothing To Us (edited from last one)
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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Standard Use of Lines That Mean Nothing To Us (edited from last one) |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN 
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i posted this in open#32 and i got almost 3 replies!! anyway, seeing how allysa said that she comes back to read some of my stuff, i decided to edit this one a bit and post it in here. enjoy, please comment critically. dont give me a one sentence response, if you liked something tell me exactly what it is, if you disliked something tell me as well. Standard Use of Lines That Mean Nothing To Us Let us play with deafening power that even the most hearing impaired can understand, Something that only giants of requiescat song fondle at will. So do we play God for a while longer, adding our ideal beauty to old perfection? Destroying the ways of our fathers for the sake advancement. We try to create a resemblance of lost flawlessness, the flaws of my creation; Clear lines of black logic (And I think intelligence is my own). Shamefaced and in shambles from a history of mistakes solving questions of morality And I know that any falsities in my thinking are learned from those before. Say goodnight as I point the finger in the mirror and dip the tip into an inkwell of , Writing swooping calls to a former obsession for precision upon the walls. With the power of oppression fresh in the message, I ascertain a sense of despair; Desperation left of a right-handed guitar in the corner (Music sets the mood). With no time to spare (Aside from the hours scrolling on the clock) I wake a desire to leak, Leak lonely thoughts and ideas of what beauty should represent. Cruciality means little to those who strive for perfection among a world of failing everything, Even the children know that the sky is falling down upon our lungs. If only I could remember the estivation of a summer day, then inspiration would fire, The flames would spread and the casings of projectiles would fall flat. (Inside me) Boats floating with the fire in our eyes and sprays of aquatic cologne pepper us And offset time spent in each other’s arms and ignoring what the fire in the sky does. Can you refresh me on what my memory let slip away behind some other small detail? Lips pressed together with smiles slipping through the passion that you share. Now you know the ways that I try to find the much sought after perfection, Why do I look when all along it was right in front of my eyes? (Glimmer in beauty) now im alone, but not lonely like before |
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| © Copyright 2004 Alex Lewis - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
Oh thank you thank you, for starters, because I was looking for something to read that was well written and wasn't going to make me shake my head at my fellow teenagers yet again. I'm going to start by telling you what I like, then maybe we can see if there's something I don't like (but that might be hard). The first line that really caught my attention was in the second stanza, the first line say goodnight as I point the finger in the mirror.., for some reason, I really loved the fact that I could see this. It was as if the first stanza is thought, reflection, analysis, but the opening line of the second stanza creates a concrete world. Being a guitar player, I also liked the line desperation left of a right-handed guitar in the corner (music sets the mood). , not only because of the guitar and music reference, but because of the placement of this line within the stanza. I also enjoy the third stanza mainly because of the question. Can you refresh me on what my memory let slip away behind some other small detail? everyone needs someone, something to keep them from forgetting the things that may seem insignificant when they happen, but could mean the world in a short time. Such is life. And my pudding is literally trying to fly (blow) away, so I will end this. Awesome. Perhaps, I'll post something in here. |
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sweet_cute_palestinian04 Member
since 2004-04-11
Posts 418Earth |
hey,,i enjoyed reading this poem ,,it was soo clear messege and so much of a great work,,i really enjoyed it ,i agree with what allysa said,,,,everything..keep up the awesome workk,,,and keep posting.. peace I hate the world because it does'nt have a taste, i HATE the world because it does'nt have a color.!! |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
once again, thanks guys for the comments |
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Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
I noticed that you are a senior member. Have you ever been to Sanctuary? I think it might be the place you are looking for, at least, I enjoy it. |
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drummerboy678 Member
since 2003-10-28
Posts 134 |
Young B- I havn't been back in the forums for about a week, and its good to see you posting here again. I remember the first time you posted this... I think this is one of my favorites of yours. "Cruciality means little to those who strive for perfection among a world of failing everything, Even the children know that the sky is falling down upon our lungs." These lines are crazy good. I hate not being helpful, but I really wouldn't change this at all... Completely original, amazing message...just simply a beautiful write. Awesome job. This is what the forum needs more of. |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
thanks alot drummer, hey call me alex ok? i'd rather people call me by my name |
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WinterWren Senior Member
since 2002-12-01
Posts 1044...Coming to |
I always like reading your poems, because there's always alot of meaning in them. I especially liked the very first line of this one, I think it started the poem just right. What also stuck out most in my mind was the line, "...leak lonely thoughts and ideas of what beauty should represent." I can't think of any way you could improve this one.  W.W. |
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Tequilia_Sunrise Senior Member
since 2003-02-19
Posts 612Lochalsh, Ontario, Canada |
so young and so talented! keep it up |
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