I Tried to Get Drunk on Your Love

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chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

0 posted 2004-05-07 11:13 PM

I tried
To get drunk on your love.

My glass shattered before the music
Started playing
And the pounding...the pounding
Inside my head
I couldn't focus...focus on the stain
On my carpeted floor...

My darling frayed carpet fibers:
how age and stain doth ruin thee.

You remember everything.

Shattered pieces of a broken glass
And I, too dizzy from falling too many times
Couldn't find my wings this time.
Couldn't find them.
Find them.

I tossed my splintered bones
Into a garbage bag and headed home.
The bag ripped, I'm sure.
I'm sure of it.
Though I can't remember half our story.
No, I don't remember
Any of it.

Then the music started playing...

And I tried.

I tried
To get drunk on your love.

___________________________________________________
Wow, I haven't written anything in..in...

I don't remember. But who cares?!

A bit rusty...I have yet to get back into the knack of writing.

Wouldn't mind some C&C though.

Much appreciated in advance.

--Leah

drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

1 posted 2004-05-07 11:36 PM

Wow.  I havn't seen you around these forums.  I hate when poems like this go to the bottom without any responses.  Especially one as creative as this.

Great write!  I really enjoyed it.  Don't have time to C-and-C to deeply now, but I'll try to get back to it later.

Awesome poem though.  I'll definetly look for you posting again.

sweet_cute_palestinian04
Member

since 2004-04-11

Posts 418
Earth

2 posted 2004-05-08 12:16 PM

Wow wow ....great poem keep it upppp...its awesomee...

peace

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

3 posted 2004-05-08 09:02 PM

Thanks very much for your comments.

Even if you don't have the time to really go in depth, I still appreciate the time you've taken to read it. Thanks again.

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

4 posted 2004-05-09 12:25 PM

ahhh...I am refreshed after reading this.
I like the..I want to say sarcasm, but that not it...theres just a certain air about it, a humor, of not taking things too seriously.
I love the whole idea of this piece.
I'm impressed.
~Lex

C?
Member

since 2001-12-29

Posts 190

5 posted 2004-05-11 02:31 AM

I remember reading some of your posts a while back, I remember you stood out in my mind...I think this is why.

'I tossed my splintered bones
Into a garbage bag and headed home.
The bag ripped, I'm sure.'

I really like that part.

I will construct and criticize though on this part:
'My darling frayed carpet fibers:
how age and stain doth ruin thee.'

I think this is very grade 9 shakepeare assignment on odd illusions. Sounds very out of place.
Collen

Rommance_Touch
Member

since 2004-05-07

Posts 97

6 posted 2004-05-11 02:00 PM

Nice Poem,,,Hope to hear else soon

~~Rommance_Touch~~
~~Not_Ended~~
~~G_w_5~~

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

7 posted 2004-06-08 11:28 AM

I'm glad I didnt miss this one, it's a real treat. At times I kind of thought that the repitition was a bit dizzying although I suspect that it was intentional, still I really enjoyed the read.

Andrew

DancinQueen

Senior Member

since 2000-07-29

Posts 1092
Kokomo,IN,USA

8 posted 2004-06-16 06:35 PM

I remember you

I read this a few times over, and I think everytime I had a different emotion running through my mind. I'm not sure this is what you intended, but it paints a picture of someone so hilariously miserable, you can't help but chuckle and feel horrible for them. Your work has always been of a different breed, and I would be lying if I said I didn't always enjoy it. I can see you reciting this in a poetry lounge

Wonderful job...

**You can't always trust the people you want to**

punkrockerrobin

Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 1180
Sparks, NV

9 posted 2004-06-16 06:41 PM

i remeber this chica hehe *hugs leah tight*
great,fantastic,wonderful poem girly!
~*~Robin~*~

hi my name is robin and i am addicted to poetry and men!
cody saw some pigs so he tried to fly but he fell and went BOOM!

aaron woodside
Member

since 2001-09-26

Posts 256

10 posted 2004-08-31 02:44 AM

Well, well, well how have you been?  Nice to see your still here(sort of).  Well, I'll give it a go.

"I tried
To get drunk on your love"

Good enough for an opening, not sure I like the two line thing, assume it means a pause in reading but I think it would have served better as a one liner.

"My glass shattered before the music
Started playing
And the pounding...the pounding
Inside my head
I couldn't focus...focus on the stain
On my carpeted floor..."

Aside from one thing I like this.  Again its the first two lines I think should be combined to one.  At this point I'm thinking of someone who has just heard the news of a lifetime, good or bad, and is struggling to accept it. What I'm picturing so far is some sort of relationship failing before ever getting a chance to thrive(glass and music). The last two lines threw me off but I like them quite a bit.  I'm thinking a metaphor for the carpet being your own self identity?  With some sort of design, and the stain being a stain in your past.

"My darling frayed carpet fibers:
how age and stain doth ruin thee."

Have to agree drop the shakespeare here.  Way out of place, and distracts me from your meaning.  But, in my mind this has cemented the idea of the carpet being your self worth.

"You remember everything."

Smart carpet, good line, though I cheated and read the rest of your poem, but at this point it leads me to believe that you remember everything as right now I'm assuming you are the carpet.

"Shattered pieces of a broken glass
And I, too dizzy from falling too many times
Couldn't find my wings this time.
Couldn't find them.
Find them"

Ohh yes, I really like this.  I'm taking it along the lines I said in the beginning of the glass being a broken relationship before it began.  Too many of them now it seems, and this one finally broke you, you can't overcome the loss.

"I tossed my splintered bones
Into a garbage bag and headed home.
The bag ripped, I'm sure.
I'm sure of it.
Though I can't remember half our story.
No, I don't remember
Any of it."

And this makes me sure of some relationship that didn't work out.  The garbage bag and bones shows how low you must be feeling, the bag ripped is the circle continuing, and you not remembering now threw me off a bit, but I do love conflicting ideas.  Perhaps you just don't want to remember?

"Then the music started playing...

And I tried.

I tried
To get drunk on your love."

And this did it for me. (Told you I cheated)  What I get out of this is a chance, that you took that didn't work out.  I'm picturing a girl asking a guy to dance(some party or something) and him saying yes.  Maybe the girl finds out he already has a g/f(broken glass, before music) or him already knowing of some stain in her past, yes... that's it. And now this time, this one time this stain coming back and back again, you can't rise out of the shame or guilt or embarrassment. Not this time.  The garbage bag is your life and the bones you(duh!) and you are still so upset(he knew) or excited(he still danced) about the dance, that you are having trouble remembering what happened or what was said during the dance.

And the last lines, music starting, trying to get drunk on his love, lets me know that even though she knew it was a broken glass dance, she was hoping beyond it all to turn out alright, but it never does...

Am I even close?  Ahhh well it's what I got out of it anyway.  Maybe someday I'll post something on here again, but I"ve been dry as can be.  Anyway, I'm taking your Constructive Critiques message, I can't get over it.  Use it for AIM.  I'll catch you later and I'll check this thread to see if you've posted me back.  Laters.

ex animo,
Aaron Woodside

They say the sweet is never as sweet without the sour. So where's my sweet?

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

11 posted 2004-09-12 11:51 PM

Poignant, insightful and fairly well written - this is what I've come to expect from you, chicka. I thoroughly enjoyed the read and in my given state right now, that's an effort in itself.

"I tossed my splintered bones
Into a garbage bag and headed home.
The bag ripped, I'm sure.
I'm sure of it.
Though I can't remember half our story.
No, I don't remember
Any of it."

How true. Love ya, m'dear.

~AF~

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

12 posted 2004-09-14 09:06 PM

it was pretty good. the middle of the poem was the best part. the whole i tried to get drunk on your love thing wasn't too great. it's pretty cliche now. i would change the title if i were you, thats what kept me from reading it for so long. once again, pretty good.

BabieDoll
Member

since 2003-02-13

Posts 268
BFE

13 posted 2004-09-15 08:45 AM

I thought this was really good and cleverly written.

~J.Lynn

There is not ONE person in this world that you cannot live without.

PoeTik JusTice
Member

since 2003-01-05

Posts 186
California, USA

14 posted 2004-09-16 03:23 PM

Well. I dont know if what I have to say is a compliment, but to me it would be. This sounds like a song to me for some reason! I keep trying to sing it in my head. Like an emo or punk song. I definitely did enjoy it a lot! I do agree with the Shakespeare, it seems a little bit out of place in this piece, but don't get me wrong, I really loved it! Keep it up!

XoXo Love Alwayz XoXo
*~Serena~*
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return." --Moulin Rouge

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

15 posted 2004-12-17 04:31 AM

WHOA! YOU GUYS! AARON WOODSIDE! EJ!?

I haven't been here in a while, and I'm sure this post won't bump it...

but wow. So glad I came back. I thought this was a goner! A GONER! How'd you guys find it?

Sheesh. I love you guys.

And thanks again for the replies.

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