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Teen Poetry #7
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sweet_cute_palestinian04
Member
since 2004-04-11
Posts 418
Earth

0 posted 2004-05-04 06:11 PM



walking in the streets,just wondering how life would be..
guyz scream ,your soo sexy,
your so sexyyyy...

i look in a weird way and say is that what your looking at??... and just stick out the middle finger..

what can i do??... i decided not to go out alone and just stay home,,but people say you will not live just live lifenormal ignore people like them..

they dont respct what i have ,they dont respect my religen even the beauty that i have,,,

i dont accpet to be treated that way for how i looklike...

we all have something good in us ,,beauty is nothing or is'nt anything...

just lets weightour brains and lets seee who has the biggest 1..


girlz at school hate me,are jealous ....but why ?..

im scared im evenhere to be like model that everyone want to try..but i am a muslim...so tooo bad...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i hope u like it lololol..kinda weird though ...thats life with us girlz these dayz

© Copyright 2004 sweet_cute_palestinian04 - All Rights Reserved
blackandwhitehorizon
Member
since 2003-05-05
Posts 183
an akward state of mind
1 posted 2004-05-04 06:35 PM


heh yeah i know what you mean...    

hey, just a sugestion, i notice you post stuff a lot... I like to read your poems, and i know that you also comment on other people's work a lot also (which is good), but i think that maybe if you went slower with the posting, and spread it out, maybe you'd get more replies. Instead of putting one after another, just wait, and make it more meaningful and see what people say. anyways, that just my thought.
Keep writing

"love is but a song we sing and fear's the way we die"

sweet_cute_palestinian04
Member
since 2004-04-11
Posts 418
Earth
2 posted 2004-05-04 06:50 PM


loololol...its alright i just post alot because i write alott  and wrote alot from before ..so i just post them ..lolol...well thanks for ur advice i will..lolol..have a good 1 lovezzz
young_blood
Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN
3 posted 2004-05-04 09:15 PM


ok...it was typical of your (and many others') style. extremely black and white. try and write things that are deeper or have multiple meanings. i have a question: Do you ever actually read REAL poetry? (ex. Edgar Allen Poe, Robinson Jeffers, Walt Whitman) This is not meant to be a mean comment, I'm just curious.
Censored
Member
since 2004-04-11
Posts 86

4 posted 2004-05-04 09:35 PM


*Comment to young_blood...*

Who determines what is "REAL" poetry? I feel like everyone expresses themselves in their own way, so everyones work is "REAL" poetry.

young_blood
Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN
5 posted 2004-05-04 10:02 PM


i consider REAL poetry to have some type of set form and to have a meaning deeper than the words on the page. this stuff is just words to me. when i read it i go "oh gosh, another straight-forward piece of literature." i want to see the writers around here develop alot more.i want some stand outs around here. if that is wrong then i will stop commenting in this forum.
sweet_cute_palestinian04
Member
since 2004-04-11
Posts 418
Earth
6 posted 2004-05-04 10:26 PM


no no no...its alright sir..its no problem  ,,,i really thank u for being  honest ...but actually i have my own way of writing poetry ..poetry is not about sytle.b/c if it was about style than life is full of nothing ...like thsi poem i wrote it soo fast just to bring out my feelings and how i truly feel ...to me and maybe others know what i mean..but its alright dont worry about it be  honest ,honesty never hurts ,,so please just tell me what u really thank i would love to hear it ,no matter how hard it can sound but its alright ,,,

lovezzz

peace !!!

sweet_cute_palestinian04
Member
since 2004-04-11
Posts 418
Earth
7 posted 2004-05-04 10:28 PM


Censored..
well thank you so much for ur comments ...and thank u for defending me lolol...well sir i just wanted to thank u and peace out..
lovezzz

Censored
Member
since 2004-04-11
Posts 86

8 posted 2004-05-04 11:24 PM


Keep writing sweet_cute_palestinian04, just keep writing I know how you feel... It just feels really good to get stuff out sometimes. And writing it on paper just feels so good.  
blackandwhitehorizon
Member
since 2003-05-05
Posts 183
an akward state of mind
9 posted 2004-05-05 07:31 PM


i agree .. some people are good at writing deep poetry with lots of metaphorical language and fluid words, but i think it is also great for people to just spill out their thoughts onto paper in anyway possible before it leaves your head. And I don't think any "type" of poetry  should be critisized. I think all poetry is beautiful in the writer's eyes and if they want to share it, that's wonderful. So I encourage you to keep writing however you like.

But I do enjoy the honesty in this forum...

"love is but a song we sing and fear's the way we die"

IndigoEve
Member
since 2003-01-10
Posts 279
Etched in the illusion of time
10 posted 2004-05-05 10:27 PM


I've been a silent follower of your poetry until now, and I felt I should finally step out into the light and reply to this one

At certain points, it was unclear to me exactly what you were trying to say. A suggestion from me might be to go through and fix it up a bit so there is no question as to which words fit where, if that makes sense. (Forgive me, it's been a day.)

Also, I concur with what young_blood said; your style is recognizably devoid of any shades of gray, very to the point, and is usually not the kind I find myself jumping to read. However there is something in your directness that draws me closer to it than others, and thats a very good thing indeed.

The message is so clear in this, and GOD I know exactly what you mean/how you feel...that's something I can't always get from incredibly deep, lyrical poetry - I love it!

I'd be curious to see you "switch styles" per se and read how a poem deeply infused with metaphors and descriptions comes from someone with your skill. It's sometimes quite surprising when the 'black and white' side-step into gray, in hearing what they sound like.  

Whatever way, I'll still keep reading. Much enjoyed.

If I were to touch you, would you bleed a velvet river, running miracles through the sodden ground? --Moi

drummerboy678
Member
since 2003-10-28
Posts 134

11 posted 2004-05-05 10:53 PM


Ok, well.  I've responded to a lot of your poems (none recently), so I think we all know how I feel about it.
We've requested plenty of times to not spell each word with four s's, actually try to proofread each poem before hitting the post button, and not posting three poems a day.
You still keep posting these though, and honestly, I havn't seen the poems change at all, in terms of seeing the writing quality improve.

There are two very different kinds of writing.  There are some (like me, Young_blood, and plenty of others on this forum) that try to express our feelings through poetry, while working hard to make it sound beautiful.  I think this is what Young_B meant by "real" poetry (which is a hypocritical statement, seeing that all poetry is feelings, which are always real... however, I see what he is saying).  I always try to use those literary devices we learn about in school (that seem useless, until you try to write on your own) to make them sound good: metaphors, similes, alliteration, personification, etc.  I see none of these in your poems.
Many people write, just to say how they are feeling.  In fact, most people in this teen forum do, you included, write for this reason.  These poems can be easily spotted when browsing the forums.  

Now, I guess for the point.  Both of those styles, although very different, can still be considered poetry.  However, writing just to write and express your feelings, is very hard to comment on.
That's why almost all responses to your poems are "I agree" or "I can completely relate."  Of course people can, because your writing is simple, cliched, and express emotions we all feel.  

Please dont take offense to this, as your writing is beautiful and real.  It's poetry.
It is just very hard to comment on.  

I think we would all like to read a poem that you spent more than five minutes to write, words spelled correctly, and some attempt of making it sound beautiful.

Until then, sorry, but I'll have to pass on your poetry.

young_blood
Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN
12 posted 2004-05-05 11:54 PM


i agree with drummer. that's exactly what i was trying to say. i was just at loss for words.
sweet_cute_palestinian04
Member
since 2004-04-11
Posts 418
Earth
13 posted 2004-05-06 12:15 PM


hi,
well thank you soo much for your advices,i will try soo hard to make eveyone proud..
I understand some people like more into a poem than what words mean,actually the  poems i post would be from before i never post a poem just in 2 minutes and just leave  ,so i just post them and just  get an opinion ,even though  2 or 3 of my poems have no respone but by trying to get out what i think is better than leaving it in my heart,this poem i wrote like  in 20 minutes ,after getting back from school,and i wrote it like how i felt ,,i agree poetry has to be close by perfect but what words mean are the most important thing,i agree with the mis-spelled  words and such on..but i write poems to be a better poetrist and more importantly to get advices witht what should i do,and trying to know if im not the only one living in this world i call a nightmare... by posting in this  formus makes me feel a better person .and just trying to make things clear to people.and telling the guyz out there thats not the way to be treating a girl [SOME OF THE GUYZ] .well thanks again soo much and im not trying to be rude soo sorry sir, well thanks for ur advicing too ,i will try to use them...  :-]

LOVEZZ

             ***PEACE***

drummerboy678
Member
since 2003-10-28
Posts 134

14 posted 2004-05-06 12:48 PM


Alright, well people here on this forum will continue to be with you in your quest to be a better "poetrist".



Keep writing

muted
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Member Elite
since 2004-01-15
Posts 2949
Elapsing, Eclipsing, Evolving
15 posted 2004-05-06 02:25 AM


i've read many of your poems, which means I've also read the replies that come along with them.
It's nice to see people make so many suggestions and in a constructive way.

Im assuming English is not your first language, which may account for why people have trouble "following" what you are saying at times. If English is your first language, then it would be a good idea to start checking your spelling and grammer more thoroughly

as far as the "meaning" of this poem...yes, you are correct, people should not be judged on the way they look. Keep believing in yourself and your confidence will win anyone over

dont worry about "the boys", they all grow up eventually and make their own decisions about what they like in a woman. Give them time and they will see just how special you are.

Fleur
Member
since 2004-04-09
Posts 103

16 posted 2004-05-06 08:39 AM


I really like your poems, I just think you should keep up the amazing work! Respect the advices and the comments, but please don't stop writting poems. I enjoy them a lot... Kisses!
sweet_cute_palestinian04
Member
since 2004-04-11
Posts 418
Earth
17 posted 2004-05-06 04:02 PM


lolol...well actaully english is my second language  but i think i should try alittle harder on them,,i actually speak three languages arabic,english,spainsh..learning french ..lolol..well i been taking english all my life actually ...and i dont think thats an excuse for me lolol..well i will try soo thank u all of these wonderful comments it should that u cared ..and thank for everyone ...lovezz

***PEACE***

sweet_cute_palestinian04
Member
since 2004-04-11
Posts 418
Earth
18 posted 2004-05-06 04:03 PM


ITS REALLY SHOWED THAT U CARED...THANKS ALOTT ONCE AGAIN
kissa~rachelle
Senior Member
since 2003-11-27
Posts 988
nowhere special
19 posted 2004-05-06 05:09 PM


I agree that u should check ur spelling, and grammar more, bacuase i do have some trouble following the poems u write, an di also think that ur poems could be sooo much more beautiful than they are already, if u would try and put some similies or personification, or metaphors and stuff. Or maybe a little imagery. I can tell u haver strong emotions, and i think that you could be a very AMAzing poetrist, if you would start putting more of those things in ur poetry. (oh and that is very amazing abouit the three.. almost four languages you speak.)
Kissa_Bear

I want a relationship i can finally sink my teeth into.~ Alexander Sterling

blackandwhitehorizon
Member
since 2003-05-05
Posts 183
an akward state of mind
20 posted 2004-05-06 08:02 PM


i agree with pretty much everything that everyone else is saying... i can tell you have strong feelings about some things and that's wonderful, and it's great that you have a habit of putting it into writing and enjoy it... so we'll try to give you suggestions on how to find a way to express those ideas with words a little more creatively and uniquely... and once again, Keep Writing

"love is but a song we sing and fear's the way we die"

Greeneyes
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Member Rara Avis
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903
In Your Poetic Mind
21 posted 2004-05-06 08:57 PM


I do not think there is a set way to write poetry, what one feels and expresses is what counts, keep in mind there are many on this board that do not speak or write English as a first language.   All of us need to have tolerance for each person that graces these pages.  If you do not like what you see or read you do not have to comment; if you encourage constructive critiques then by all means please comment accordingly, however, keep in mind if  'Constructive Critiques' is not "checked" off then have respect for that as well.....


~~**~~
le vent chante avec le calme doux
calme de nuit
sien beauté sur mes lèvres
~~**~~

sweet_cute_palestinian04
Member
since 2004-04-11
Posts 418
Earth
22 posted 2004-05-07 12:09 PM


lololol.,,,sis green-eyes ,,,its alright ,,i agree with evetything there saying even though its kinda just weird because they all jumped at me all in one ,like i feel there screaming at me....but its alright ,,,u know thats life...i guess im not that good poetrist at all...but i just try to bing out my feeelings :-[....well thank u all once again and god bless u all ...lovezzz

peace..


   p.s

thanks sis greeneyes...for ur comment...
love and hugz sis

DancinQueen
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2000-07-29
Posts 1092
Kokomo,IN,USA
23 posted 2004-05-07 02:53 AM


No one's judging your ability as a poet.  I said in an earlier post that maybe you can work on getting your thoughts more organized.  But everyone has their own style, and this is yours.  Don't be ashamed.  Love what you write, not what other people think I've been around here for quite awhile now, and sometimes you just have to take certain comments with a grain of salt.  Don't let things bother you, keep on doin you

**You can't always trust the people you want to**

muted
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Member Elite
since 2004-01-15
Posts 2949
Elapsing, Eclipsing, Evolving
24 posted 2004-05-07 04:01 AM


for english being a second language...you are doing really really well! and Greeneyes is correct when she says that if people dont like the poem they should not comment.

wow, three languages, thats awesome
would be beautiful to see you write in one of your other lanquages. its great to see how hard you are trying to develop....but remember that what you write should please yourself...dont worry about pleasing everyone else

great job

young_blood
Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN
25 posted 2004-05-07 07:23 AM


ok, i didn't think that my comments would set off this huge thing, sorry. i was just giving some advice that's all. i've written poetry for a long time and won some contests for it so i was just passing along information that was passed on to me when i was young and writing in this form.just keep writing that's all that matters.
-alex

sweet_cute_palestinian04
Member
since 2004-04-11
Posts 418
Earth
26 posted 2004-05-08 12:13 PM


lolol,..well i thank u for ur comments atleast people showed what im doing wrong and im learning thANK U SOO MUCH LOLOL..

PEACEEE

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