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wings of the moon
Member

since 2003-03-27

Posts 323
Pink bubblegum land

0 posted 2004-04-12 05:58 PM

Metro

Your starch white lids,
rest upon his shoulder.
Later you’ll find time to smoke
through black fingernails
a goodbye kiss.

His own grated jumper jolts,
occasionally,
from the fluency of his hands.
Hoping you’ll arrive soon,
so he can send it off.

For now, it is more amusing
to press unwanted smooth skin against his
and allow his considerate efforts
to pass naturally,
While you fake zeds.

---
i have an edited version of this i'll post next and ask which you prefer...

wings of the moon
Member

since 2003-03-27

Posts 323
Pink bubblegum land

1 posted 2004-04-12 05:59 PM

Your starch white lids rest
upon his shoulder.
Later, you'll find time,
smoking through black nails a goodbye kiss.

His own grated jumper jolts,
sometimes, bouncing your cheeks
with the fluency of his hands.

Hoping you"'"ll arrive soon,
so he can send it off.

Till then, it is more amusing
to press unwanted smooth skin against his,
and allow his considerate efforts
to pass naturally,
While you fake zeds.

Sass
Junior Member

since 2003-05-10

Posts 21

2 posted 2004-04-12 06:09 PM

I like the 1st one, the unetided one better. there is a great flow to this poem. I really liked this. I want to read more of your stuff!
~Kassi

wings of the moon
Member

since 2003-03-27

Posts 323
Pink bubblegum land

3 posted 2004-04-12 06:18 PM

Thanks Sass! Much appreciated. I prefer the first version too but wanted to hear it from someone else

"more than yesterday, less than tomorrow, i love you"

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

4 posted 2004-04-12 07:06 PM

I also agree that the first one is better. Great write!

~Alli~

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

5 posted 2004-04-12 09:08 PM

Claire~
It's so good to see you back ~~~

Love the write ... now, see ... doesn't that feel GOOD ?

Drop down to Corner Pub and say hello !

Love ya' gal~
*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*When the heart grieves over what it has lost,
the spirit rejoices over what it has left.
- Sufi epigram <))><

noles1@totcon.com

wings of the moon
Member

since 2003-03-27

Posts 323
Pink bubblegum land

6 posted 2004-04-12 09:18 PM

lol, thanks Marge, and Alli for responses, its 2.00 am here though, so if its ok with you, i shall now sleep and write/read/post some more tomorrow...

bless y'all,

claire xx

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

7 posted 2004-04-13 12:59 PM

good write. i enjoyed the imagery alot. the first one was good, but i liked the second better. it seemed more...calculated, more thought out. both were good writes though.
-alex

wings of the moon
Member

since 2003-03-27

Posts 323
Pink bubblegum land

8 posted 2004-04-13 01:26 PM

thanks young blood,
the first darught had a natural progression of number of syllables per stanza. This was dropped in the second because i felt a certain joltiness would go better with the subject matter...

thanks for your input, much appreciated

"more than yesterday, less than tomorrow, i love you"

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