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young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

0 posted 2004-03-18 09:24 PM

Speechless Speeds

I've carved my name next to your name
With March 16, 2004 befriending the title.
If I only understood where I am in this game,
Am I just wooden letters next to yours?
Why does the speedometer rise as I go home?
Does the passing of our time drive so I can ride?
If only meaning matched the words to which they are known
Then i could make some sense of the seasonless sights.
The mercury drops and so does my head,
The cold quietly slips beside loneliness making us three a crowd.
Measure your silver love in sifters made of lead
And maybe the poisons will seep into my veins too.
Recreate thunder in your eyes after rain answers
These phone calls of trickery that set aside our lives.
Take and depart, never impart your wishes to the stars,
But the stars gleam with tears in their eyes as well. (twinkle sad star)
Maybe we can fool those whose interest peaks in our direction
For they only want to add to Babylon's Ruin inside tonight.
As I pray the most sincere wishes to God for my correction,
I will vomit my thoughts and drown in them once again.
Still living amidst the confusion pounding against the ha*ed ground,
Stop the fist that raises high above the empty heads and emptier skies.
Bury back beneath the soil the precious prize you fatefully found;
Will the heart shaped coffin find rest in the earth again?
My heart screams out for air from inside the void space
But it gasps when no sound rescues my vitals.
So here I am with purple robes to compliment blo*dy lace
And the privelages of yesterday erase quiet minds and lying eyes.
Write your name beside my intials in the wet sand
And we'll watch the ocean carry our love out to the sea.
Maybe all the words above weren't sp well planned,
But corpses of thought fade when your beauty eclispes the sun.

now im alone, but not lonely like before

[This message has been edited by young_blood (03-18-2004 10:02 PM).]

drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

1 posted 2004-03-18 10:40 PM

Young-
Another good one... I would have to say its not one of my favorites of yours, but you do have some awesome lines and imagery in this. I think my main complaint would be that it feels like your fitting to much information in the lines. Each line is real long, and it becomes lengthy and hard to read (in my opinion).

Still, I loved the opening and the closing, and many lines in between.

Maybe just try to condense and make each line a little less of a mouthful.

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

2 posted 2004-03-19 11:37 PM

thanks. i will try and just add more lines with less words in each line. i may go back to a certain style as well. thanks alot

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