There's Bad Poetry in the Back

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SimpleDiscourse
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 79

0 posted 2004-02-15 01:55 PM

i'm searching for your voice
inside a three part harmony

instead i am catching
wind of words
from between funeral home walls
bits and pieces of
fragmented sentiments
we're going to have to
accept condolances

i'm searching for your voice
inside a three part harmony

and we are watching
cinematic scenes
repeatedly hoping for a better ending
something not quite so tragic
but i was always afraid
of holding you too tight
for you might break at a single touch

these february days are growing warmer
i could've sworn spring had begun
from the car window
on the way to the wake
reality strikes me as i
face the cold upon
stepping out of the confines
of a slightly saner reality

driving home on dark monotonous roads
only two lanes are open on the bridge tonight
one for each direction
crosswinds threaten our fate
music drones in the background
a soundtrack for sullen eyes...

i'm searching for your voice
inside of a three part harmony

i wonder if you are
hanging
in the
atmosphere.

Ixxi
Member

since 2004-01-02

Posts 77
England

1 posted 2004-02-15 03:06 PM

I really liked the ending, but the whole piece has potential. nice job.

blueyedlioness
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 289
USA

2 posted 2004-02-15 03:33 PM

Mmm... beautiful.

SimpleDiscourse
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 79

3 posted 2004-02-15 07:05 PM

thanks.

muted

Member Elite

since 2004-01-15

Posts 2949
Elapsing, Eclipsing, Evolving

4 posted 2004-02-15 09:14 PM

this is sooo nice...but, may i offer a suggestion...remember, this comes from the context of what im getting from this poem:

"and we are watching
cinematic scenes
repeatedly hoping for a better ending
something not quite so tragic
but i was always afraid
of holding you too tight
for you might break at a single touch"

my suggestion:
"and we are watching
cinematic scenes,repeats;
hoping for a better ending,
but i was always afraid
of holding on too tight
in anticipation of the next frame
afraid that you might vanish;
not to-be-continued."

i love the reference you make to "life" being a bit like theatre or a movie (my catchphrase is "life is a musical")...i made the suggestion so that you can continue further with the metaphor. and i also only make this suggestion because i like this poem so much, it is meant as a compliment more than anything.

i will be looking for more from you

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