navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #7 » Seeing through shadows
Teen Poetry #7
Post A Reply Post New Topic Seeing through shadows Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
HeroicVillan
Junior Member
since 2002-11-09
Posts 34
Lost.....

0 posted 2004-02-12 10:36 PM



What can make the World turn,
and leave no spirit spared.
Its not that we could never learn,
only that we never cared-

Didnt want the darkness to be bright,
I didnt want to feel control-
wanted only to regain the light,
of My own Immortal Soul.

What, we ask, is the cause of this?
Why dont we even care?
It might just be that final kiss,
of a Death we all must share-

Dreamed of what we thought was right,
left behind our simple roles.
Sent them to flicker, in the night,
shadows cast by smothered coals-

© Copyright 2004 James Bicknell - All Rights Reserved
young_blood
Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN
1 posted 2004-02-13 01:43 PM


good start on imagery. it seemed vague in the point to me.
blueyedlioness
Member
since 2003-04-24
Posts 289
USA
2 posted 2004-02-15 03:31 PM


I like it...

My favorite type of writing... probably the most common, but it's so peaceful to read if the rhythm's right, which you did a good job on, except for the first line in the second paragraph:

"Didn't want the darkness to be bright."

May I suggest fewer syllables there? It would fit in with the rest much better.

The feeling, I love... a little wistful, a little sad, a little thoughtful, but not too depressing.

I'll be looking for more!

~Laura

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member
since 2003-11-27
Posts 988
nowhere special
3 posted 2004-02-19 08:16 PM


I like the darkness personnaly. I also like the poem. It was good. I dont exactly get the whole meaning, but maybe thats what you wanted.
~Vampire Kisses  

I want a relationship i can finally sink my teeth into.~ Alexander Sterling

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #7 » Seeing through shadows

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary