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lauren03
Member

since 2002-01-04

Posts 64
oh, usa

0 posted 2004-02-04 06:24 PM

I'm not sure why this had to happen
I've been lied to and cheated on
played and manipulated upon

I can't change this feeling now
a feeling of degration, depression
low tolerance for all

If I could change what has happened
go back and reverse the roles
I'd stay with what I know

Now I know more than what I did before
this overwhelming saddness
this mounting disgust

I let myself be degraded
I let him have control
the hurt and pain I feel can't begin to be showed

I'm going back to that of before
hopefully I'll find what I'm looking for
I can't believe this, not it can't be right

I don't know why this happened
why I let you go that far
but as you walk out my door
I know I won't be coming back for more

Savage Quiescence
Member

since 2002-07-29

Posts 326
Wandering

1 posted 2004-02-05 04:10 PM

Thanks for sharing, this is a nice write. There are a few things you might consider working on, though. I'll give you my thoughts.

Stanza 1: The "upon" at the end doesn't make sense. What about changing that last line to "manipulated and preyed upon"

Stanza 2: I'm pretty sure that "degration" should be "degradation". I like the last line.

Stanza 4: I'm just not too sure about that first line.. what about "I now know more than before", or maybe totally change the line.. it just doesn't flow. Again, I like the last line.

Stanza 5: The "showed" isn't right, so either "..can't begin to show" or "..can't begin to be shown". It also might help to change the order of that line to something more like "I can't begin to show the hurt and pain I feel."

Final Stanza: I really like this ending. The only thing that caught my eye is that if he is walking out YOUR door, then HE would be the one coming back for more. I know, I get what you were saying, but it caught my eye in the wrong way.

I know it seems like I tore this apart, and my ideas might not be too great, but I hope I helped. This was a nice write and I hope you keep up the hard work.
~Alicia

lauren03
Member

since 2002-01-04

Posts 64
oh, usa

2 posted 2004-02-05 06:31 PM

thanks for sharing your ideas and i will edit it and make some changes so let me know what you think

Savage Quiescence
Member

since 2002-07-29

Posts 326
Wandering

3 posted 2004-02-09 03:45 PM

I look forward to seeing it

chicken
Junior Member

since 2003-07-27

Posts 44

4 posted 2004-02-10 04:51 PM

gr8 write

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