navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #7 » You're Gone
Teen Poetry #7
Post A Reply Post New Topic You're Gone Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
darkness_witch
Senior Member
since 2003-12-03
Posts 516
Underneath

0 posted 2004-01-28 12:28 PM


Some how this began
Lost all trust in “Yes I can”

One day truned into two
One game only made for you

You played me like a ball game
And only myself do I blame

We used to be so dam strong
Our love was like a romance song

Some how we grew apart
No longer your sweetheart

Then one day I needed you
You looked at me like I was see-through

You walked all over me
Crushed me till I couldn’t see


My heart broke
Throat tied till I could only choke

You left me alone
Hanging like a phone

Away you went
I was left just a mere fragment

You gave into her charms
With me craving for you warm arms

You couldn’t care less
Only the fact that she would undress

So there goes my love
Floating towards the up above

My one
My sun

My all
You, paul

How could you do this?
You are now just a lingering kiss

You left me without a goodbye
My mouth had never been so dry

Shes your new
Im just the old you used to screw

I hope you will know
Im not some baggage you need to tow

Im trying not to care
But my souls been peeled bare

Tomorrow will come
But for now I am trully numb

*Note: First time rhyming.... gimme sum pointers!!!*

Please answer, I'm calling just to find out if you could be there for me when I crack - finger 11

© Copyright 2004 Sophie A Ryan - All Rights Reserved
Jelfling
Junior Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 21
Indiana
1 posted 2004-01-28 01:18 AM


No offense, but it seems like you're really trying to force it to rhythm. I think I like your other poems better because of it, but for a first attempt it's not bad.
darkness_witch
Senior Member
since 2003-12-03
Posts 516
Underneath
2 posted 2004-01-28 02:57 AM


thnx for replying

thnx for being honest.... i like critism

i agree with u to be honest.... i was finding it real hard to get the flow right... i figured i may as well post it cus i needed sum advice!!!

I think ill stick to my other stuff!

thnx agen for replying!

Please answer, I'm calling just to find out if you could be there for me when I crack - finger 11

aussie teen
Member
since 2003-09-27
Posts 396
Australia
3 posted 2004-02-11 04:43 AM


nice write even if the ryhme was forced... your heart was in it but rhyme is sumthin that doesnt always agree with all people and well dont let it get you down......
and i agree stick with your old style....
the subject matter is something i relate to in so many ways......  i can email you with a couple of mine from last year when i was dropped by my ex......
they are really really explicit so i cant post them....
the write is amazing even tho the rhyme was forced
Mel

so this is me but what do you care about that????

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member
since 2003-11-27
Posts 988
nowhere special
4 posted 2004-02-15 06:27 PM


The rhyming shouldnt be so forced, but you have the right idea. I'm sorry that this happened. I know how it feels. It hurts, but just remember, there are other fish in the sea. Even if it doesnt seem like it at the moment! lol I liked it overall. I hope to hear more.
~kissa~

**~kissa~**
*I wanna be a little more like me, and a little less like YOU!*~ Linkin Park

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member
since 2003-11-27
Posts 988
nowhere special
5 posted 2004-02-16 05:48 PM


Oh, and the line about ~The old you used to screw~ It just takes away from the poem. But otherwise it was decent for a first write.
~Vampire Kisses  

I want a relationship i can finally sink my teeth into.~ Alexander Sterling

silhouetted
Senior Member
since 2004-01-30
Posts 537
New Zealand
6 posted 2004-10-09 12:07 PM


yes rhyme kind of forced, but still i liked it

sorry if this was inappropriate to the feel of the poem, but i laughed out loud at

You left me alone
Hanging like a phone

you know me, and hopefully u will forgive

hehe legend soph

LOR

put your frustrations into four letter words - incubus

WinterWren
Senior Member
since 2002-12-01
Posts 1044
...Coming to
7 posted 2004-10-11 12:45 PM


Not bad for a first attempt at ryhming. I agree with kissa about that one line though.
This one was my favorite,
"You gave into her charms
With me craving for your warm arms"
Keep up the good work!

WinterWren-
Counting stars wishing I was ok,
Crashing down was my biggest mistake.

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #7 » You're Gone

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary