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BabieDoll
Member

since 2003-02-13

Posts 268
BFE

0 posted 2004-01-22 10:00 PM

Life, love, hope;
for a future,
for a moment,
for a purpose.

Wonder, beauty, peace;
needing it,
believing it,
feeling it.

Anger, motivation, pain;
so hurtful,
so tragic,
so real.

Life, love, fear;
of a future,
of a moment,
of a purpose...*

*¤§¤*You are born helpless...and you die helpless...*¤§¤*

ascending_ecstasy
Member

since 2004-01-21

Posts 102

1 posted 2004-01-22 10:26 PM

that was pretty good, but you should probably think fo a title for it. forget structure, let it flow. umm.. ok in the first stanza it had something like life love hope... and then in the last stanza, there was life love fear... is fear the opposite to hope? hope is a wish... and fear is a physical feeling... think about that. am i wrong?

Essential Distress
Junior Member

since 2004-01-22

Posts 33

2 posted 2004-01-22 10:39 PM

lex you seriously need to stop telling people to let go of structure before i run to ur house and gag you. haha.

nah i liked it. the only thing is its kind of.... all the same... the whole way through..... and there's a story... sort of. but it dosnt really come out of the poem the way you have it set out..

my advice would be to keep all the feelings and words you had when you wrote that poem, and just try to get them across another way.

ascending_ecstasy
Member

since 2004-01-21

Posts 102

3 posted 2004-01-22 11:03 PM

Well i wouldn't say it if i didnt mean it. reading in small chunks sucks, and then it doesnt read properly.

LET GO OF YOUR STRUCTURE TAYA!!!

lol. well done though, good poem la di da.

Essential Distress
Junior Member

since 2004-01-22

Posts 33

4 posted 2004-01-22 11:08 PM

well actually maybe i was a little harsh.

its good. i like it. yeah. top shelf.

BabieDoll
Member

since 2003-02-13

Posts 268
BFE

5 posted 2004-01-24 11:53 AM

Thanks for the comments. I know it's not one of my best...I've been having serious writer's block. The title...I just came up with it because it came out of nowhere and I didn't really MEAN for myself to write an entire poem. It was more or less just thoughts thrown on paper. So that's where I got the title. As for the one-word change in the first and last stanzas: I see them both as physical feelings; 'hope' and 'fear'. I mean, you hope that this day isn't your last, but you're afraid of the future. So that's where I got that. I just thought I'd explain what I was trying to do to ya'll. Thanks for reading/leaving comments!

~J.Lynn

*¤§¤*You are born helpless...and you die helpless...*¤§¤*

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