DONT make people choose for you.

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sweet_lost_palestinian1
Member

since 2004-01-08

Posts 90

0 posted 2004-01-17 12:45 PM

So all Im trying to say is I will never let you down.
Don’t think because im not in my town.

But I am in a place called earth
Where I could remember whats it worth?

I LOVE YOU
Even thought it’s a drawing of me and you.
………………………………………………………..

I opened my eyes this morning
I knew there was a warning

My eyes were empty of tears
I wished I had fears.

Just to depend on my dreams.
I hear something screams

Like it was my name.
Don’t you realize it’s a game,.

I knew there was something that was the same.
It was my heart screaming out the shame?.

Are you out of you mind?
Or are you just blind>?

Don’t choose what people have for you.
Choose whats new.

Don’t mewo
Because you already know whats your screw.

Don’t forget im here with you too..
I through all I have just to make you feel new.

Follow your dreams and don’t make people choose for you.

sweet_lost_palestinian1
Member

since 2004-01-08

Posts 90

1 posted 2004-01-17 12:47 PM

im reeally sorry please dont pay any atention to the part ontop...i messed up..sorry again

drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

2 posted 2004-01-18 12:13 PM

sweet_lost:
I'm going to try to give you some advice on writing these poems, and hopefully it wont come off as rude:

When your writing, try not to worry about rhyme and more about what your trying to say.  Everything you've written feels like the words are forced to fit the rhyme instead of what you feel.

Also, try to stay away from cliches.  Don't talk so much about 'tears' and 'fears' and things like that.  If that's what your life is composed of (and I'm sorry if it is), then maybe try to write it in a more creative way.
Instead of using the word dream, use hallucinated reality", or something that is more abstract or beautiful.

A poem shouldn't take 5 minutes to write.

If you really want to become a better writer, than really try to use some of those suggestions.  If not, then continue to write how you are, just to feel better.

Good luck,
-Taylor

sweet_lost_palestinian1
Member

since 2004-01-08

Posts 90

3 posted 2004-01-18 12:49 PM

lolol...i will take ur advice my friend no problem...thank u soo much and plzz dont feel shy or anything like that just be stright with me ...i like to be stright and for people to stay stright with me soo plzz just say what u think i dont mind...okay than bye ,...thanks

J.Samm
Member

since 2004-01-12

Posts 415
Iloilo City, Philippines

4 posted 2004-01-18 08:41 AM

this poem makes me think. i'm quite sure you'll find your worth.write on!

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