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Bryan V
New Member

since 2004-01-03

Posts 1

0 posted 2004-01-03 03:55 AM

Lost Love

Losing a love is alway's hard
wanting that gurl ,while she's so so far
You hurt her once ,breaking her heart
but now wanting her never to part
How do you tell her you still care?
trying to show her that the feeling's are still there
There is no crying in this painful game.
because love is a game that has to be played
The body of an angel , the glow of a star
wishing you had'nt gone so far
You broke her heart, making her cry
wanting to take it back , and hoping to die
for hurting this gurl , that you can't deny,
Love her to the death , because love never dies
caring for her for all of time,
With the love in your heart and the care in your soul
ask for forgiveness and promise to never let go
So when I tell you this girl, hold me true
because baby I'm hopelessly in love with you.

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

1 posted 2004-01-03 11:00 AM

hmmmm...it was alright. alot the imagery has been written before and AA BB rhyming is kinda annoying. it kinda sounds like a nursery rhyme.

jack and jill
went up the hill....

do you understand what im saying?? it wasnt bad at all, it just wasnt great. if you can experiment with some new rhyming schemes and deeper imagery, you will improve aton!! keep posting.
-alex

now im alone, but not lonely like before

muchos
Member

since 2003-11-29

Posts 102

2 posted 2004-01-03 02:04 PM

i disagree with alex. but it is a very beautiful poem, and coming from a girl, you have a heart..awww. i hope she takes you back. keep posting.

BWriter22
New Member

since 2004-01-03

Posts 4

3 posted 2004-01-03 05:27 PM

This was my first poem on here...so thanx...Alex( for da tips i think ) and thanx Muchos... unfortunatley that gurl didnt take me back...-Bryan_V.-

frolicking dolphin
Member

since 2003-02-23

Posts 268
my own special world

4 posted 2004-01-03 06:01 PM

I also really liked this poem, I think the rhyme kept me interested in it and it made it flow really well. Hope to read more from you soon

~*~Karen~*~

~You can close your eyes to things that you don’t want to see, but you can’t close your heart to things you don’t want to feel~

*Belabebeautiful*

Senior Member

since 2003-01-03

Posts 696
washington, USA

5 posted 2004-01-03 09:24 PM

Welcome to pip! Very well written first piece. I do agree with Alex in that changing up the imagery will inhance your writing but overall I thought it was very sweet and heartfelt. I was put in a situation like that once before too...only I'm a girl so he was a guy but yeah same concept! heh..well I was doing good there before my mind fell apart! check your email for a specail note!
~Live and Laugh~

Because of you I laugh a little harder, smile a little more, and cry a little less
~Bella~

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