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Ally Stone
Junior Member

since 2003-10-20

Posts 48
D.C.

0 posted 2003-11-03 09:01 PM

Walks in the city bring floods of October
“We have to be careful,” you said softly,
Whispers in my hair, surreal in the midst of our comfort.
Growing dizzy at the sight of you, unable to keep it real.
And you, your rhapsodies…
You called me your Muse, an angel.
Said I was glass, said you were fragile.
Something you called love,
Perversions of your world known as reality,
And I lie broken,
As another autumn assaults me.

SimpleDiscourse
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 79

1 posted 2003-11-03 09:21 PM

beautiful. simply beautiful. keep up this great work.

dertah
Senior Member

since 2003-06-18

Posts 584

2 posted 2003-11-04 11:38 AM

good onnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeee

drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

3 posted 2003-11-04 01:23 PM

Ally -
Great poem.  I really enjoyed it.

The first three lines are good.  In the fourth line, you use the phrase 'keep it real.'  I think that would work if you were writing a satirical poem or something, but in a serious poem like this, 'keep it real' sounds a bit childish.  I understand what your trying to say, just maybe try to say it in a way that flows better and stays consistent with the mood of the poem.

The line "said I was glass, said you were fragile."  Are you saying that they are perfect for eachother?  Saying you were both fragile people?  A bit unclear, but if that is the intention, then I think it works.  I just wanted to make sure I wasn't reading too much into it.

Love the last line.  The alliteration of the four A's is great.

One other thing I noticed was just your punctuation.  I didn't know if you had even worked on that yet, but I didn't like the capitalization with every line.  I know if you typed it in Word, it automatically does that, but I would consider changing it.  Especially on the lines that start with "whispers, perversions, and, as".  Any others too, just those one should be to grammatically correct.

Nice poem though.  I liked it.

Ally Stone
Junior Member

since 2003-10-20

Posts 48
D.C.

4 posted 2003-11-04 05:03 PM

Thanks you guys, good advice!

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

5 posted 2003-11-04 07:12 PM

now the end made such an impact the the begining seems almost weak. Wow, the last line was just perfect. great job, but maybe try to strengthen the begining lines.
Lex

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