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Teen Poetry #7
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Eternal Kiss
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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Eternal Kiss |
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*Belabebeautiful*
since 2003-01-03
Posts 696washington, USA |
Hey guys I'm back! I haven't posted here in about two months give or take a week, but I have been replying and have noticed quite a few new arrivals yay! Anyways the poem is dedicated to the man whom I love very dearly but it was also written at about one in the morning so give me your thoughts/suggestions k? Sitting in a blue tipped haze I reach up and the stars caress my hand While silent thoughts of you still linger Like poisons sweet kiss upon my soul Inflicting great damage upon my barriers yet the conclusion is such a loving oblivion that I rejoice in the giving of my soul To walk forever beside you, and through this I am set free Released from this daily torture to torment of another kind Eternal love to you my darkly beautiful prince I damn myself and devote myself I give myself unconditionally and I am no longer one but half of a whole, and incomplete piece and yet so perfect, so sweet a harmony are we That let my soul be dammed if it will For it is not! Not truly for something so pure can only be the errant magic of lovers and through this there can occur no bad only the kaleidoscope bliss of a union fit for heaven and hot enough for hell Show to me my warrior the passion that I crave Give to me the golden tapestry of your heart as I have given you mine Drink the Elixir called love as I have So that we may dance together you and I among the azure stars, united forever Spinning towards the moon on Venus's gentle hand Performing to no one at all... An eternity of love Because of you I laugh a little harder, smile a little more, and cry a little less ~Bella~ [This message has been edited by *Belabebeautiful* (11-03-2003 08:16 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Bella - All Rights Reserved | |||
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frolicking dolphin Member
since 2003-02-23
Posts 268my own special world |
I really liked this one you used some really strong and emotional words, couldn't even tell it was written at one in the morning, nice work ~*~Karen~*~ |
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*Belabebeautiful*
since 2003-01-03
Posts 696washington, USA |
Thanks for the comment Its good to know that my late night writing does make sense to someone other than myself! As always the replies are very much appreaciated! ~Live and Laugh~ Because of you I laugh a little harder, smile a little more, and cry a little less |
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drummerboy678 Member
since 2003-10-28
Posts 134 |
Bele - First off. Great poem. I enjoyed reading it. I also know what you mean about late night writing. I swear some of these things I've written in the early morning seem like they were written for me. Anyways, back to your poem. Very well written. Couple comments/critiques: "Sittin in a blue tipped haze" -- Not quite clear to me what your symbolzing here. Maybe its nothing. Maybe its not clear. Or maybe I'm just not getting it. Flows good for a while, then around lines 4 and 5, it gets a little wordy. Just slows down a bit for me. "Released from this daily torture to torment of another kind: Eternal love." --I love this. The spacing, the message, everything. Great job. "Dammed" has an N, I believe. "only the kaleidoscope bliss" -- I love this line too. Maybe suggest removing the 'the', but its not necessary. The imagery is displayed either way. Next line is great too. Maybe try replacing 'but hot enough...' with 'yet hot enough...' Again, just word choice, and just a matter of opinion. The end is strong as well. Throughout the poem, although in a way a series of stereotypes, it still works. I really enjoyed reading this. Great job. |
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dertah Senior Member
since 2003-06-18
Posts 584 |
wow! i really liked this one. excellent choice of words. and hey, sometimes writing at odd times is a good thing. definately a favorite. |
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BrokenDreams Member
since 2003-02-09
Posts 425In The Clouds |
I've had a bad day and it made me smile, so...yeah good job and thanks for the read. Jen I hate what I've become to esacpe what I was. |
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*Belabebeautiful*
since 2003-01-03
Posts 696washington, USA |
Hey everyone, Drummerboy thanks for the break down I may use some of your suggestions. Dertah thanks for the comments glad you liked it. Broken dreams I'm sorry you had a bad day but I'm glad I could help cheer you a bit. Thanks in general for the respones guys! ~Live and Laugh~ Because of you I laugh a little harder, smile a little more, and cry a little less |
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Song_for_Serenity Member
since 2003-05-28
Posts 97USA |
Wow, I haven't been here in a while. Wonderful read. It made my return enjoyable. Keep it up. T.W. is a very lucky man. ~Angela |
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broken627 Member
since 2003-11-26
Posts 66Eugene Oregon |
Hey great read i enjoyed it! Keep on postin! -*-broken627-*- |
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