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Silent Evincar
Member

since 2003-07-22

Posts 179
Here There and Places Between

0 posted 2003-10-29 04:36 PM

Only souls of passion live free;
the entrapment is forever.

The sun is their gentle relief;
each ray singing together.

Silent moonlight calms them;
a sparkle of sweet tranquility.

Love is binding each eternal hour;
drifting past the mountain.

In absence of all their truth;
waiting in solitude.

Success is counted sweetest
By those who ne'er succeed.
To comprehend a nectar
Requires sorest need.
(Emily Dickinson)

dertah
Senior Member

since 2003-06-18

Posts 584

1 posted 2003-10-29 05:15 PM

ha ha dude!!!!!!!! i am the one

drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

2 posted 2003-10-29 11:51 PM

Silent -
Nice job.  It has some beautiful imagery and flow that I can tell you worked hard on.

First 2 stanzas are awesome.  Nice rhyming, but then it stops.  Did you want a specific scheme or no, becaus it works either way.

3rd stanza sounds great too.  This is just my opinion and own style, but I think it would sound better without the 'a' in front of sparkle.  This is just what I think though, and many people disagree.

The 4th stanza is where it sort of breaks up for me.  I see what your trying to say, but 'drifting past the mountain', although beautiful, doesn't really flow with the rest of the poem.  Even adding another adjective in that line, like "creeps silently past the mountain" just helps the flow of the poem.  Change it if you want.

Great last stanza as well.

Not sure about the general format with the semi-colan after each first line, but it still works.

Great poem.  I really like it, and I can tell you spent some time making it sound how it does.

garysgirl

Member Laureate

since 2002-09-29

Posts 19237
Florida, USA

3 posted 2003-10-29 11:55 PM

Silent moonlight calms them;
a sparkle of sweet tranquility.

Nicholas, this is such a pretty poem. I think
it's so great the way you teens can write such
excellent poetry. I especially like the above verse.