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drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

0 posted 2003-10-29 12:05 PM

This is for a creative writing class. We had to write it on a color. Please be tough when commenting, because I've been getting all my poems back with C's on them, and no comments. I'm trying to get better. Thanks.

White

The white of the night, the seconds before sleep,
instant of clarity before you drift away
into an endless transcendence of black

the moment of realization, flooding of ideas
a second too late to grab a pen

flash-frame of hope before the dark despair
the dazzling light before you leave

blinding and livid, reminding and vivid
each night the same, yet never grows old

quiet time of solitude, some call it lonely
I call it helpful, the importance of thought

this late-night mirror, the reflection of the day
missed opportunities cried upon

a white tear glides down the cheek
the fluttering eyelid, half-closed oval stare of ceiling

lids scream for closure, day screams for closure
night screams “I’m here, I’ll take you away.”

Your dilated, glazed gaze, cries out for sleep
the white grows dim
fades away
fades away
to sleep.
Thank you for reading

dertah
Senior Member

since 2003-06-18

Posts 584

1 posted 2003-10-29 08:50 AM

hmmm, im not much of a critic but good write. thats the best i can give you. it was a good expansion on just one color.

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

2 posted 2003-10-29 10:07 AM

Welcome to Pip! I thought it was very good, and if your other poetry is like this, your teacher is nuts for giving you C's, I would arrange time to ask the teacher, what he/she is looking for, and why the C's. Please check your email for a special greeting!

Silent Evincar
Member

since 2003-07-22

Posts 179
Here There and Places Between

3 posted 2003-10-29 10:31 AM

Okay we all know how teachers can be and some of them are just plain crazy. If you get a C because of this work than you should tell em' where to shove it. I have no comments other than the fact that this was a beautiful interpatation of a color. Excellent work and I hope to see many more.

NJS

garysgirl

Member Laureate

since 2002-09-29

Posts 19237
Florida, USA

4 posted 2003-10-29 10:50 AM

I also think this is a very good poem.
But, I haven't had any courses in poetry writing. So, would take Sea's suggestion, if were you, and talk to your teacher to find out the reason's for the "C's". I never liked getting "C's", either.

Good luck, and welcome to PIP.

Hugs

Ethel

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

5 posted 2003-10-29 11:46 AM

This definitely deserves more than a C! I really loved this poem, especially the line "night screams '"Im here, I'll take you away."'
Excellent job, thanks for sharing.

W.W.
We were meant to live for so much more have we lost ourselves?
Maybe redemption has stories to tell maybe forgiveness is right where you fell.

LiL-Jew
Junior Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 30

6 posted 2003-10-29 06:12 PM

makes you think while your flying in your imaginary world. Very good writen.

drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

7 posted 2003-10-29 08:28 PM

Wow, thanks for all the comments. Glad I found this site and I'm sure I'll be posting and replying a lot. I'll talk to you my teacher about the grades though and what she is looking for.

Thanks again

Ally Stone
Junior Member

since 2003-10-20

Posts 48
D.C.

8 posted 2003-10-29 09:10 PM

this late-night mirror, the reflection of the day
missed opportunities cried upon

-- my personal favorite part. I loved this poem, if you get a C, tell me and I'll fly down and whoop some teacher butt.

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

9 posted 2003-10-31 03:36 PM

Maybe since you had to write about the color, you should specify more what the color is. I think this is a beautiful poem, it is one of the most descriptive I've read in a while, but maybe it just needs a little more control.

"into an endless transcendence of black"
since you choose to write about white, I wouldn't mention any other colors.

Your lucky you have a creative writing class. I want to take one so badly. Good luck.

~Lex

drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

10 posted 2003-11-01 01:08 AM

Lexy, I appreciate your comments. Thanks for reading it. It's a good point about mentioning the other color. I think I'm going to the idea in, just change the word from black to something else symbolizing night.

Thanks

palmerj
Junior Member

since 2002-11-06

Posts 30
Coxsackie, NY

11 posted 2003-11-03 07:05 PM

This was very well written. I especially liked this part:

blinding and livid, reminding and vivid
each night the same, yet never grows old

[This message has been edited by palmerj (11-03-2003 07:07 PM).]

dodge_chick2003
Member

since 2004-01-18

Posts 136
California

12 posted 2005-04-19 10:45 PM

I agree with Lexy, although it is a good poem the black part in the poem makes it seem like you are going to go on about that color. Other than that I loved it. You better have gotten a A.

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