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Whitehowl
Junior Member

since 2003-10-14

Posts 10

0 posted 2003-10-14 03:44 PM

Just wondering what you all think of this. Some feedback would be nice too, thanx.

it all started when we first exchanged hi's
getting close to night but the sun still stinging my eyes
sitting in the field not saying much
you and the three of us playing catch and the such
wasn't love at first sight
but your look gave a sense of invite
could tell you were shy
and thats not a lie
till getting close to saying bye

started talking to you more
and seeing you more made me adore
soon school kicked back in
two weeks of going back to the bin
he drove you everyday
in the time where eyes open could barely stay
not much for me to do
so i came along to enjoy the view
and that scenery just happened to be you

the moment of truth was brought out of the blue
it entered my ears but i didn't want it to be true
talked about that special someone in which wasn't me
asked me for a favour that happening i could not see
the question was to be asked and directed to him
wanting it for me, but chances were slim
didn't want to ask but i just couldn't refuse
gave it a thought and decided i wasn't able to choose
think im crazy then come walk in my shoes

the answer came back to you with a crushing blow
changed your life and at times makes you feel low
your insanity makes a true friend afraid to ask
but to see you happy was to be accomplished as a task
we swore that we would always be there for each other
and here i still got your back unlike any other
don't think this a poem to hook up with you
just to show how much you mean to me too
its been wonderful with you, and here i am true

swinging2bbvd
Junior Member

since 2003-10-02

Posts 14

1 posted 2003-10-14 04:00 PM

it could just be me, but i had a hard time feeling the flow. i think if you worked on syllable usage it would greatly help. that and i belive each stanza is only one or two real sentances which make it difficult to follow. also in these lines, who is "he"? are you talking to your friend or me (the reader)?

two weeks of going back to the bin
he drove you everyday
in the time where eyes open could barely stay

hope my critique helped

keep writing and practice all kinds of styles

Whitehowl
Junior Member

since 2003-10-14

Posts 10

2 posted 2003-10-14 04:07 PM

Ya i see what you mean but i wrote this poem for a girl which im showing her soon. The "he" in there is someone, i aiming for it like that, and i know that she will know who im talking about. And thanx for helping too, i appreciate it.

swinging2bbvd
Junior Member

since 2003-10-02

Posts 14

3 posted 2003-10-14 04:09 PM

okie-dokie

Silent Evincar
Member

since 2003-07-22

Posts 179
Here There and Places Between

4 posted 2003-10-14 06:33 PM

Isn't it frustrating to know that sometimes we are never truely seen for what we do. In most cases we have to work at it; simple prescence may not be enough. The flow of this seemed to jump every now and then but has meaning for the concept. Nice job.

NJS

dertah
Senior Member

since 2003-06-18

Posts 584

5 posted 2003-10-14 11:56 PM

ahhh yes, women. good for you and good write.

Quiet Acquiescence
Member

since 2003-02-16

Posts 70
somewhere out here

6 posted 2003-10-15 10:04 PM

I think I was able to follow along pretty well. Maybe it's because I have heard somethin similar a couple times before from some of my friends. *Good job*

~*~Hope restores broken wings; faith helps us fly.~*~

Whitehowl
Junior Member

since 2003-10-14

Posts 10

7 posted 2003-10-15 10:44 PM

Hey, thanx all. Appreciate the replies. I showed my friend this, the one girl i was talking about in this. And she liked it alot so its all good.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

8 posted 2003-10-20 03:18 PM

Welcome to Passions, Whitehowl!

Karilea - if I whisper, will you listen?

garysgirl

Member Laureate

since 2002-09-29

Posts 19237
Florida, USA

9 posted 2003-10-21 01:29 AM

Hello, Whitehowl. I enjoyed reading yur first post and
look forward to reading more. Welcome to Passions,
and please check your e-mail for a special greeting
from all of us here at PIP.
Ethel/garysgirl
Moderator/Passions In Poetry

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