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peachesNcream
Senior Member

since 2001-08-21

Posts 513
Ocean Of Tears

0 posted 2003-09-29 09:18 PM

This seems to be a bit sketchy to me...Tell me what ya think!

Here's my plea,
I've shown you what love is,
And what love can be,
Now, let me do so once again,
Show me you feel the same way,
Touch my heart and open it,
Let my soul fly free,
For we had a love that's meant to be,
The telephone has yet to ring,
But the doorbell rings instead,
Hears My Plea.

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go." -Herman Hesse

[This message has been edited by peachesNcream (09-29-2003 09:20 PM).]

*Belabebeautiful*

Senior Member

since 2003-01-03

Posts 696
washington, USA

1 posted 2003-09-29 11:50 PM

I really liked the begining of this one. It had a nice flow, a good ryhthm and the ryhme scheme worked well. I was really feeling the poem up untill the end. The last two lines make no sense to me. I guess my advice would be to expand upon the great start that you already have and continue going, perhaps explain the last few lines? so that it doesn't end so abruptly? But other than that It was thoroughly enjoyed!

~Live and Laugh~

The problem with resisting temptation is you never know if you'll get the chance again
~Bella~

magic_612
Member

since 2003-07-31

Posts 190
NB, Canada

2 posted 2003-09-30 04:52 PM

I also think it had a good start, and that you need to work on the last few lines.

I really like how you write, and I always look forward to reading your work on this site

peachesNcream
Senior Member

since 2001-08-21

Posts 513
Ocean Of Tears

3 posted 2003-09-30 07:07 PM

Hey guys, thanks for the comments! When I said I thought this was sketchy, I was actually referring to the last few lines. I'll be sure to work on them sometime here in the future! When I do I'll probably edit this poem and have it re-posted. So look for this one! LOL. Thanks again! ~Jess

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go." -Herman Hesse

Silent Evincar
Member

since 2003-07-22

Posts 179
Here There and Places Between

4 posted 2003-10-01 05:44 PM

I leave for a couple months and peaches is still at it, amazing. You know this poem is a little wish of mine, the ending is a perfect resolve to the beginning. That's my idea anyway.

NJS

dertah
Senior Member

since 2003-06-18

Posts 584

5 posted 2003-10-23 05:16 PM

pleas....so many pleas....near insanity with so many pleas....

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