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Dark Poetry #4
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Eclipse
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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Eclipse |
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Taylor See Member
since 2008-10-07
Posts 55North Carolina, US |
A shadow falls upon her face Darkening, darkening Everything darkening The sun and moon entwine with grace Darkening, darkening Everything darkening The withered trees shift in the wind Whispering, whispering Everything whispering Clouds bleed from a sky no man could mend Whispering, whispering Everything whispering The ash clouds drift and choke the air Crumbling, crumbling Everything crumbling Buildings are toppling everywhere Crumbling, crumbling Everything crumbling Posters of missing cake the streets Vanishing, vanishing Everyone vanishing Bombs burst in time with her heartbeats Vanishing, vanishing Everyone vanishing As she stares up at the moon Panicking, panicking Everyone panicking She saw what may become so soon Panicking, panicking Everyone panicking And through her tears she softly smiled Promising, promising Everyone promising In hopes we could be reconciled Promising, promising Everyone promising The vision gone, but headed not Ignorant, ignorant Everyone ignorant The future looms, its doom forgot And as each player moves their piece, confident and tall |
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| © Copyright 2008 William Taylor Cody - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Dreamflight Junior Member
since 2008-10-22
Posts 15USA |
I love this, it has a really sad and wistful feel to it. One suggestion: there seems to be a lot of repetition, and the poem would lose nothing by cutting that down a bit. Maybe something like: A shadow falls upon her face Darkening, darkening The sun and moon entwine with grace Everything darkening But it's good the way it is, too - up to you! I love your imagery, especially in the second verse. I left it all behind, and never said goodbye... |
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ken206573 Member
since 2008-10-14
Posts 487 |
i truly love this poem. i could imagine the whole thing. i was truly touch. wouldn't mind hearing more. |
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Persephone New Member
since 2008-10-30
Posts 8Ireland |
I'm going to agree with Dreamflight, the poem itsself is really very good, but that repetiton is hard on the mind and the eyes. Don't get me wrong here, I think you've got some really fantastic lines eg: ''Clouds bleed from a sky no man could mend'' - That one I love, it's just hard to see those lines with the other ones being a bit over-powering. Overall, I think you've got the bones of a fantastic piece here, keep it up! |
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HeliaHeart Member
since 2008-11-16
Posts 53Georgia |
I loved it. My sister and I read it aloud in Round Robin and it sounded amazing. At first I was overwhelmed by the repeating lines but it really struck me and now, I wouldn't change it at all! ~Lia |
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AAB Member
since 2008-04-10
Posts 99Canada |
I love the repetition. It adds to the feel caios. Loved it dont change a thing.  "Death cannot stop true love, all it can do is delay it for a while" The Princess Bride |
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Mystress May Member
since 2007-10-25
Posts 296Taunton, MA |
Hey doll.... I actually like the repetition... it seems to help build tension. I wouldn't change it. Our scars are the foundation for what we have become |
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GothicCherry Member
since 2008-09-16
Posts 471TN |
Love the poem but i'm kinda split on the repitition views. It feels melodic and very beautiful, but the repitition IS kind of over-bearing to the mind. Though if you were going for a dramatic effect, which it sounds as though you were, then the repeating fits it perfectly. It's your poem and you should keep it as you like it best and the way it is most meaningful in your eyes. |
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