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JenniferMaxwell
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0 posted 2008-09-10 04:48 AM


the rooks have returned
through the black hole of sleep
carrying the torturer’s rack
the souls of the dead
beneath their wing

one takes your shape
man in black leather
gloves and long
russian overcoat

he’s spotted the tower
the spinning wheel
and the straw womb
where I lay curled in sleep

he threads his fingers
through the gold of my hair
and offers the queen
two copper pennies and
an emberless hearth for
the silk of my virginity

she rags over my lips
blue mother’s milk
the thin potion of forgetfulness
that gags and suffocates

but nothing can still
the wings of a blackbird
their down is the pillow
of nightmares
where I rest my head
in unguarded sleep.

Inspired by Alexei K. Savrasov’s “The Rooks Have Returned” http://www.theartwolf.com/paintings/images/Alexei-Savrasov-Rooks-Back.jpg


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Bob K
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since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208

1 posted 2008-09-10 06:01 PM



Dear Wonderful JM,

                             Thank you.

     This fan is highly appreciative.  I have some thoughts and suggestions perhaps to detach this fine piece from the matrix it came from.  It is a dream poem, of course; but dreams may be dialogued with, if it's done respectfully, and both the dream and the dreamer will grow wiser for the respectfulness of the effort.

     I believe the first line here may have offered you a title:

The Rooks Have Returned

     In my reading, these next four lines are more of a prose explanation for the material of the actual poem, which follows.  I feel a flattening of energy in them, or at any rate, a shift of subject matter to  explain what happens afterward.  I question your need for them.


[through the black hole of sleep
carrying the torturer’s rack
the souls of the dead
beneath their wing]

one takes your shape
man in black leather
gloves and long
russian overcoat

he’s spotted the tower
the spinning wheel
and the straw womb
where I lay curled in sleep

[my reading of this stanza is a bit different than yours.  I like the first two lines the way they are, the third and fourth lines, still as part of the same stanza I'd try as

the straw womb
where I lay asleep

"[C]urled" is overused idiom.  You might want to replace it with another word or even another sort of thought.  "Sleeping" may be the right thought here or is it a fairy-tale shorthand for something coded, that only a poet might find another good phrase or word for that would allow the state a fresh new currency.  Maybe curled in sleep is fine.]

he threads his fingers
through the gold of my hair
and offers the queen
two copper pennies and
an emberless hearth for
the silk of my virginity

[he feathers his fingers
through my gold hair

an emberless hearth
two copper pennies
he offers the queen
all for the silk of my virginity]

[she wipes over my lips
that thin potion of suffocation
blue mother’s milk
portion of forgetfulness]

[nothing can still
the wings of the blackbirds
their down is the pillow of nightmares
where I rest my head.]


     Now let me see if I can bring together the various pieces that I was tinkering with into a coherent text of suggestion.  I'm doing this not to give you an alternative text, though you're welcome to it, but to give you some notion of my own style of revision on a text such as the text you present, a sort of single sort-of-coherent view of a single text.  It's as much for you to react against as anything else, so you can find your own methods.


The Rooks Have Returned


one takes your shape
man in black leather
gloves and long
russian overcoat

he’s spotted the tower
the spinning wheel
the straw womb
where I lay asleep

he feathers his fingers
through my gold hair

an emberless hearth
two copper pennies
he offers the queen
all for the silk of my virginity

over my lips she wipes
that thin potion of suffocation
blue mother’s milk
portion of forgetfulness nothing

can still the wings
of the blackbirds
their down is the pillow of nightmares
where I rest my head.


     As you can see, I made an addition change between my first revision and this rewrite, when I had a chance to see how it all looked together.    

     It's a good poem, JM, revise a version you like and send it out with some of the others.  Keep 'em moving.  I'm revising some of the stuff I was talking about with you.

Best, Bob Kaven


Another thought on looking back at this:  What would happen if you took out "where I rest my head."?  Is this an improvement or not?

[This message has been edited by Bob K (09-10-2008 08:37 PM).]

Grinch
Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929
Whoville
2 posted 2008-09-10 06:40 PM



A rooking girl has stole me for her side

Very nice poem Jen, keep writing and I’ll keep reading.


JenniferMaxwell
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3 posted 2008-09-10 08:43 PM


Do you speak Dylan in your sleep, Grinch?  
Thanks so much for reading.

Bob, gonna start calling you the miracle worker. Geez, you really turned that first draft sow's ear into something quite marvelous in just two quick revisions. Thank you!

Yep s1 is a dud, should have spotted that myself. Well, actually, I knew the soul's part stunk, but cutting too much right off scares me.

Feathers instead of threads is brilliant!

Not sure I'm totally comfortable with the inversion on s4, but's it's growing on me. Maybe the language needs a punch or something?

Really, what you've done is wonderful. Thank you so much!




JenniferMaxwell
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4 posted 2008-09-10 09:02 PM


That might work, Bob, taking out the where line. I was shooting for something about being unguarded in sleep as opposed to being on the defensive in wakefulness. Guess that's kind of obvious though, isn't it?. Hmmm, will have to think about that.

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