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dreams (1)
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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dreams (1) |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
I dreamt last night of two monarch butterflies trying to hide their wings from my longing eyes compressed into stick figure charlie chaplins they waddled like mummies from the crypt across the tomb of my sleep wearing the tap shoes of my inner child that shuffled across boards of a broken home where wings were among the forbidden things and hidden like selky skins I breathed in the lilac scented air of abandoned dreams ballooned my lungs into a primal scream and shed an infant’s teardrop on the head of each butterfly there was some discussion between them in a language I didn’t know then one turned to me shrugged and said “I suppose” and they both fanned their wings until the dust of ashes cleared |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear J.M., Another good one, J.M. “I dreamt” is one of those phrases that you can get away with, but probably shouldn’t, especially at the beginning of a poem, where it suggests that you may not have spent enough time considering how to make the direct transition into the poem and are carefully trying to apologize your reader’s way into it. Since you’ve nothing to apologize for here, I think you could spend a little extra time to solve the problem of how to make the transition into the poem. I find jokes are useful as models. With jokes we want to be as spare as possible, supplying only enough framework to support the listener’s task of getting the humor. Shaggy dog jokes are different, sure. In medias res is the phrase used in the classics for the way you want to start off—in the middle of the action, when things are popping. Then, if you need to fill in, you can go back and fill in some back story with a flashback. But it’s always good to keep people moving from word one. Two monarch butterflies trying to hide their wings last night from my envious eyes (I figured the eyes were in fact envious. Maybe they were longing eyes, in which case, that’s what the text should probably say. I figured that the “last night” would suggest either the dreams you originally made explicit or would hint at an incredible social life—a nice thing to give yourself for a little while, arm in arm with a couple of real social butterflies for some serious nightlife. What could be better?) compressed themselves into stick figure charlie chaplins swaddled like mummies from the crypt they waddled wearing the tap shoes of my inner child shuffled across boards of a broken home where wings were among the things forbidden hidden like selky skins the lilac scented air of [things] abandoned [in drawers] [did something puzzling to an organ you haven’t yet considered] [causing a physiological reaction that you haven’t actually heard somebody define until now, when you are called upon to invent it] [you manage an exchange with each butterfly that leaves you and each butterfly feeling something unusual about the way the exchange has gone for the butterflies] there was some discussion between them in a language I didn’t know then one turned to me shrugged “I suppose,” it said, and they both fanned their wings until the dust of ashes cleared What I’m trying here, J.M., in the middle of your pretty good poem, is to take the places where I see some possible problems — which doesn’t mean the problems are real, only that I see some — and to abstract the nature of your lines. I’m assuming that the nature of the lines is probably right, but that the details you’ve used to fill them in may be somewhat off center. If you can have a look at what somebody else thinks the nature of the line was about, you might have another shot at reformulating a line on that general pattern or changing the pattern or whatever. Another approach to revision, as it were, by taking the line up a level in abstraction, figuring out what the principle was, and then filling in the details differently or changing the principle that you want to try for that line or section of the poem. I enjoy the basics here, by the way, but I suspect you may not be working quickly enough for the initial draft. Keep writing. Good stuff. All my best, Bob K. Was "selky" "silky" or "selkie;" it made sense either way? |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Wow, magic? Did envious just change or am I seeing things! More in a mo. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
That’s very helpful, Bob, knowing how a poem comes across to someone else. I get what you mean by taking it up a level in abstraction. Selkie it was. Thanks so much! |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Having titled "dreams 1", "I dreamt" is positively superfluous. You could quite easily open: "Dreams 1 Last night two monarch butterflies trying to ..." Everything rolls along quite nicely for me, until S4. S1 sets the scene (longing is better). S2 - cool. S3 - meat. S4 - attempted flesh out doesn't add very much at all imo. You seem to be floundering a bit, trying to add padding, and it shows in the sudden plethora of modifiers: Lilac scented - air is often lilac scented it seems to me abandoned dreams - and dreams are commonly abandoned screams are disturbingly, frequently primal tears are always shed and as we know from S3 that we are dealing with a child - probably and infant's tear can be assumed S5 - an intriguing "resolution", which imo could quite easily follow on from S3 with no loss of power. Kate Clanchy clearly has no taste btw. M |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Thanks, Moonbeam, had already made a few revisions leaning in directions you and Bob mentioned. I warned you, never trust anyone who thinks Cohen is kewl.  |
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Temptress
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-06-15
Posts 7136Mobile, AL |
love the images in this "...buried way beneath the sheets |
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Temptress
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-06-15
Posts 7136Mobile, AL |
hugging this one again still like it "...buried way beneath the sheets |
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