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s1nfully_1nn0c3nt
Senior Member

since 2003-10-26

Posts 1105
Watertown, NY

0 posted 2008-07-06 07:56 PM

Stop It Mommy
I'm Sorry That I Cry
I Don't Know Any Better
I Don't Quite Understand - Wrong From Right
Help Me Mommy
Please Stop This Man
He May Be My Father
But He Hits Me With His Hand
I Can't Take It Much Longer
It Might Be Too Much To Bare
One Day He'll Go Too Far
And It'll Be Too Late To Care
You're Supposed To Love Me, Mommy
And Shelter Me With Your Arms
Correct Me The Right Way
Keep Me Safe From Harm
I'm Just A Kid
I Didn't Ask For This
Don't Let Anyone Abuse Me
Or I'll End Up Being Someone You Miss
I'm Not A Punching Bag
I Can't Defend Myself
I Can't Do It Alone
So Mommy Please, Think of My Health
Todays A Slap
Tomorrow - A Punh
Soon My Bone Will Break
And It'll Hurt A Bunch
They Said The Safest Place
Is Between My Mommy and Me
But You Just Sit There
So How Could That Be
Don't You Hear Me Cry
Can't You Feel My Pain
Save Me Mommy, Please
Before It Happens Again
Do You Really Love Me?
Is This Some Kind of Game
If It Is, Then I Quit
I No Longer Want To Play
When I Grow Up
Big And Strong
It'll Be Too Late To Protect Me
And You Will End Up Alone
I'll Take Care of Myself
Like You Never Did
And In The End You'll Regret
Never Standing Up For Your Kids

I Thought of You Today,
And What We Could've Had
For A Brief Moment I Had You
And Still, I Somehow Knew
I'd Have To Let Go

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

1 posted 2008-07-06 11:02 PM

The constant capitalization in this poem is hard on the eyes. I felt like I was reading a very long book title (akin to one of those book titles from older books, where a huge description was included as part of the title). Also, some of the lines are weak:

"I'll End Up Being Someone You Miss"

Don't sacrifice good wording and dramatic effect for rhyme. That's my humble opinion.

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

2 posted 2008-07-07 12:46 PM

ruff poem.. but very well written.I agree with the rhyme thing thow... it doesnt have to rhyme it would still be good either way.
Krysti

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