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Dark Poetry #4
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JenniferMaxwell
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since 2006-09-14
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0 posted 2008-05-08 10:19 AM


The two note bird started at 4:53
annoying as bagpipes
persistent as sin
shriller than pig squeals
blah as lamb bleats
the two note falsetto
of the flock virgin
childless and driven
by an internal rhythm
strangled into song -
Time flies, time flies!

In drum bursting decibels
her shriek pierced the double glaze
and the night comforter
pulled up over my head
shattered the window
that locked out the outside
the inside in
in the monastic silence
and white noise hum
of my single bed dream world.
Time flies, time flies!

But the bird and I for a time
shared at least one conviction
that the roof of the firmament
should always be home
in this springtime world,
a treetop room with a narrow cot view
of seeds to be gathered
from the bountiful riches of this leafy green earth
until winter came, closed up her throat
turned solo song into a new tremolo -
Time’s flown, time’s flown!

[This message has been edited by JenniferMaxwell (05-09-2008 12:43 AM).]

© Copyright 2008 JenniferMaxwell - All Rights Reserved
Bob K
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since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208

1 posted 2008-05-22 12:27 PM




I really like this one.  I think you've made the refrain like work, a difficult thing for me, but I think you've put in too many variations of some of the lines and ideas.  You've got a prolific imagination.  Why not see if there are things you can trim, so there's more of a flow through from beginning to end.  It's a wonderful poem Jennifer Maxwell.  It may need a few more drafts for you to get a notion of which parts of the language do the sparkling and which do the bridging between them.  Revise, enjoy, jump and shout.  Let's see another few drafts.  Very fine indeed, and likely to get better.   BobK.



JenniferMaxwell
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2 posted 2008-05-30 07:13 AM


Thanks for the kind words. Having put it aside for a while, can see a real excess of of modifying prepositional phrases that add absolutely nothing. Red pen time.
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