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Dark Poetry #4
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Yoinn
Senior Member
since 2007-08-16
Posts 649
Michigan

0 posted 2008-03-28 11:27 PM



The Wind blows
In the window
It’s cold out once again.
Late hours can always find
My tired eyes.
When all else is asleep
And quiet,
I can find my pain.

Like a sharp knife,
I am careful with it.
I have to be.

It keeps me honest.

Yoin


© Copyright 2008 Tim W. - All Rights Reserved
hiddensmiles
Senior Member
since 2008-02-07
Posts 514
at the beach... i wish
1 posted 2008-03-28 11:49 PM


Nice write

JJ

Ocean Vuong
Junior Member
since 2008-03-29
Posts 37
NYC
2 posted 2008-03-29 12:27 PM


Good work here, but try to put more vivid imagery into your stanzas, its a strong theme but it can be Powerful with some careful metaphors and sharp images.

best,

ocean

Yoinn
Senior Member
since 2007-08-16
Posts 649
Michigan
3 posted 2008-03-29 05:28 PM


Thank you smiles and Ocean for your replies to my poem.
     Ocean, thanks for your critique. I agree with most of what you said but feel that it however would be wrong for this piece. I think you missed the over all mood i was trying to portray with it. This isn't a large, powerful poem, it is a very subdued poem with somber imagery. With words like "cold, tired, late and careful the mood is more mellow. The only sharp image i have really is the "sharp knife or Pain" and thats intended. It is something to be approached carfully. So maybe i need to put a little more into it.. to get the overall feel of what im shooting for. The whole poem as a metaphor for dealing with pain.If the story of the poem is a subtle one, then the imagery must follow suit in my opion.

Thanks

Yoin

Ocean Vuong
Junior Member
since 2008-03-29
Posts 37
NYC
4 posted 2008-03-29 06:34 PM


Ah, perhaps this is leaning more as an abstraction, in fact as I read it and reread it I find it is best suited as so. Whether an abstraction was your intent or not, this piece has very closely resembled one. In this aspect the subtle imagery is effective.

kudos

-ocean

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