navwin » Archives » Dark Poetry #4 » once again we
Dark Poetry #4
Post A Reply Post New Topic once again we Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
carolinabeen
Member
since 2006-12-12
Posts 69


0 posted 2007-11-24 05:46 AM



i'd rather smile than here
it hurts because it's nowhere
a nice piece of glass
turned into a small chuck

why again do you look so good sober
remind me
find me
benign one simple
me

so I took you so wrong for so long
blame me

they play
i'd rather skip school
i'd rather have her than you
blame me
try
to
take me
i miss his legs always once

why do I look
sober

mebbe it's the Eagles
mebbe I know kerosene
maybe it just might be needed
now

some dumb wumb said he had a bike and tried
mad and made it back
as fast and slow as they asked and begged
sober

so i took you so long and
wondered
they play

pianos in the wind children
just have to know
hafatheredha

la, open c-

think some dumb bike got me
as if i tried
mebbe it's the wings
the dove

as fast and though i know i'd rather smile
knowing it's hard
mebbe too quick

wouldn't it be nice
for just one second
just to know
and i long head-on

J.L.Koehler


--
Jeremey


© Copyright 2007 carolinabeen - All Rights Reserved
Mystress May
Member
since 2007-10-25
Posts 296
Taunton, MA
1 posted 2007-12-03 02:14 AM


Alright... so there are parts of this that I really, really love..... and there are parts of this that I really don't like at all. The beginning is amazing. I love it.

Then the 'mebbes' start. If you changed that to 'maybe' it would feel better to me. But that is a small thing to me.

The thing that really bothers me is how nonsensical it gets. Don't get me wrong.... I get extremely nonsensical in some of my poems... and in day to day life, as well. But, again, I am just giving my personal opinions. The 'non' words added to it frustrate me. The phrases themselves don't bother me because I do that, myself and understand why you're doing it. Sometimes it supports the feeling that you're trying to get across. But the 'non' words throw everything off and defeat the purpose.

The poem itself is great. I hope you are not offended by my opinions (you do not state whether you are open to constructive critisism in you profile)

~~~May~~~

Our scars are the foundation for what we have become

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Dark Poetry #4 » once again we

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary