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Dark Poetry #4
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Fairplay
Member
since 2007-01-15
Posts 222
England

0 posted 2007-01-15 10:34 PM



In with a bang
Excuse the pun
Topic I choose
About a gun
It spells danger
It can be fun
Here’s my bit
Before I run

Take out the gun
Or if you can
Leave the gun
Take out the man
The man can run
Without the gun
The guns no fun
Without the man

Now if you’re lost
Just count the cost
This is a game
No fun no pain
This is your right
Put up a fight
Win or loose
Who can choose


© Copyright 2007 Eric Lance Davies - All Rights Reserved
hunnie_girl
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567
Canada
1 posted 2007-01-18 01:25 AM


Ryme was cool thogh the secon stanza totally lost me.... but great fun to read and WELCOME TO PASSIONS nice first post
hunnie

~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~

ivordavies
Senior Member
since 2007-01-10
Posts 739
Chester, England
2 posted 2007-01-18 03:14 AM


Interesting analysis of the entire nature of the human attitude in relation to power.


Take out the gun
Or if you can
Leave the gun
Take out the man
The man can run
Without the gun
The guns no fun
Without the man

Do not understand why the last two lines are not reversed to keep the rhyming style of the first stanza although because of content wording this may then be better split.  

I also think you could have emphasised your change to couplets and added more strength to the piece by rearranging and separating these final four couplets:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In with a bang
Excuse the pun
Topic I choose
About a gun
It spells danger
It can be fun
Here’s my bit
Before I run

Take out the gun
Or if you can
Leave the gun
Take out the man

The man can run
Without the gun
Without the man
The guns no fun

This is a game
No fun no pain

This is your right
Put up a fight

Win or loose
Who can choose

Now if you’re lost
Just count the cost!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Obviously just my personal preference for presentation and as the poet it is your's that is important, but I thought I'd put a slightly different slant on this.....

Now where's that gun,

Ivor

The moment created this second, is a  moment that's going to last.
It lives the full spectrum of time, the future, the present and past.

Russell8624
Member
since 2006-11-28
Posts 99
Minnesota
3 posted 2007-01-18 11:50 AM


Not to seem rude, but I want the thirty seconds it took to read that back.
ivordavies
Senior Member
since 2007-01-10
Posts 739
Chester, England
4 posted 2007-01-18 04:50 PM


Fairplay,

Sorry I forgot to say that I enjoyed this piece immensely, it is these short snappy quips that go into the relationship of power, war and survival, love hate and pain that can be easly missed by a casual non-understanding glance.

Poetry, like food, should be examined closely and digested slowly if you wish to get maximum benefit from it.

Too easy to gulp your food without tasting!

Namaste,

Ivor

The moment created this second, is a  moment that's going to last.
It lives the full spectrum of time, the future, the present and past.

trebuchet
Junior Member
since 2007-01-12
Posts 30

5 posted 2007-01-18 08:20 PM


Fairplay, I would love some insight into your purpose behind this -- it could be just fun, but if there's more intent, you might be able to squeeze more out of this. Would you tell us more about the inspiration here?
Fairplay
Member
since 2007-01-15
Posts 222
England
6 posted 2007-01-18 10:02 PM


Hunnie

Thanks for your welcome, It was just my thought on dark poetry...

The second stanza is kind of refering to the fact you may be able to take the gun away from the man but not the man away from the gun..... For all those people with mad ideas that the destruction of weapons meaning everyone becomes instantly nice...

Err does that mean I support capital punishment ???

Hi Ivor

It's nice to have an expert look at my stuff, You will of course realize how fast I write these things.... glad you understand them just as quick....

Hi Russell

There is no accounting for taste.... If I could give you your thirty seconds back I would... but at least you may have learned that fools rush in where others stop and digest.

Hi Trebuchet

My intent was dark poetry and my thoughts about the Gun topic in short snappy verse

Eric

hunnie_girl
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567
Canada
7 posted 2007-01-18 10:14 PM


Okay yea I reread it again and it was easier to understand I guess now that I knew the jist of it... Hope to read more soon.
hunnie
P.S Dark Poetry is the best!!!!

~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~

Kira Aso
Member
since 2006-09-26
Posts 351
Closer to Hell...
8 posted 2007-01-19 09:53 PM



First...

WELCOME TO PASSIONS IN POETRY!!!
The most awesome poetry site on the net!!!!
(Okay, I could be exaggerating just a tiny bit)

I really liked the way this poem flowed. The end sorta threw me off but like hunnie I read it over again and it made more sense.

Hope you enjoy PIP as much as I do!
Lots of luff
Kira

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