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UseTheIllusion
Member

since 2006-02-06

Posts 223
In a state of limbo

0 posted 2006-10-02 02:49 PM

Flashback like acid to a better time,
When I was in love, it was good to be alive,
This was before the fates took me for a ride,
And now I look up at the mountain’s I have to climb.

I have said in the past that the trip down will be easy,
But looking down that hill makes my stomach queasy.
I would rather roll down than walk or run,
The vertigo will make the fall easier, anyway it’s more fun.

Dizzy anxiety as I walk through the halls,
Nerdy knowledge portends lesser things,
Subtle inflections of speech and sound,
Surround my vision and perked up ears.

I am open to change,
So long as it’s in my hole,
Perhaps I should call it a cage,
This state of vertigo.

Xeonox

Senior Member

since 2000-04-01

Posts 1764
CA, USA

1 posted 2006-10-03 03:29 AM

You talk about climbing up the mountain, then down it, and then halls. I am bit confused. iI like the idea behind your poem. It just needs to be refined a little bit.

I speak insanity. I write fantasy. I sleep reality.

Triskaidekaphobia
Member

since 2003-02-05

Posts 251
In a state of disrepair...

2 posted 2006-10-03 11:21 AM

I enjoyed this poem but am inclined to agree with Xeonox on the subject of the halls

Perhaps this might fit better,

"Dizzy anxiety as I walk through the hills,"

Do you see what I am getting at? That would indicate foothills and tie the line in with the preceding mountains methaphor.

Feel free to tell me to shut up if you wish UseTheIllusion.

"The world won't end in darkness, it'll end in family fun
With Coca Cola clouds behind a Big Mac sun."

One God by The Beautiful South

UseTheIllusion
Member

since 2006-02-06

Posts 223
In a state of limbo

3 posted 2006-10-03 03:15 PM

Thank you for your criticisms. I suppose the mountain, hill, hall theme should be improved or elaborated upon. I will do that later.

UseTheIllusion
Member

since 2006-02-06

Posts 223
In a state of limbo

4 posted 2006-10-04 08:57 PM

Here is the revised poem...I changed the order around a bit, and added a word or two.

Flashback like acid to a better time,
When I was in love, it was good to be alive,
This was before the fates took me for a ride,
And now I look up at the mountain’s I have to climb.

Dizzy anxiety as I walk through the hills,
Nerdy knowledge portends lesser things,
Subtle inflections of speech and sound,
Surround my vision and perked up ears.

I have said in the past that the trip the hill down will be easy,
But looking down upon that hill makes my stomach queasy.
I would rather roll down than walk or run,
The vertigo will make the fall easier, anyway it’s more fun.

I am open to change,
So long as it’s in my hole,
Perhaps I should call it a cage,
This state of vertigo.

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