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JenniferMaxwell

Member Elite

since 2006-09-14

Posts 2423

0 posted 2006-09-29 08:38 AM

Daydreams are such tender things -
children with their pony wishes.
Ivy like they spring
from quiet corners of the mind and wind
tendrils round secret gardens
of the heart.

And then the music came, drifting down
as autumn leaves in November rain,
each note a different golden hue.
Vivaldi knew them well and brushed
them in a minor key across
a rosewood violin.

Daydreams turned into obsessions and pressed
themselves between the pages in my book of life
where survival's only chapters from
winter on the street in a hungry town.

But seasons change as fortunes do.
A summer bright with trills and grace notes
erased impoverished days. Now rosin's on
my bow of dreams, just listen to the music!

I went back, put this in blank verse (or as close as I could get to it being a meter dummy)which helped me smooth out some of the lines. Then I put it back in free verse form. Honestly, a lot of work but it reads much smoother, at least to me. Definitely worth the work.

[This message has been edited by JenniferMaxwell (09-30-2006 11:56 PM).]

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

1 posted 2006-09-29 09:13 AM

Jennifer~
There is such soft movement in this piece~

I did find the 'all lower case' a little distracting ... but then again ... as you indicate, perhaps it is not polished to perfection yet~

I truly like what you've done here~
Your originality of thought is so refreshing to read~

This one is almost too pretty to be in 'dark', as I found the creative phrases illuminating~

*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~
Email - noles1@totcon.com

JenniferMaxwell

Member Elite

since 2006-09-14

Posts 2423

2 posted 2006-09-29 09:27 AM

Thanks, Marge. Guess I was sort of thinking that when daydreams become obsessions, there is a tinge of darkness.

Triskaidekaphobia
Member

since 2003-02-05

Posts 251
In a state of disrepair...

3 posted 2006-10-03 11:07 AM

Well I thought this was excellent and you are certainly not a "meter dummy". This flows without seeming forced in any way, which is more than I can manage.

"where survival's only chapters from
winter on the street in a hungry town."

This pairing really stood out for me. I think I will have to read some more of your poems now.

Thanks for sharing.

"The world won't end in darkness, it'll end in family fun
With Coca Cola clouds behind a Big Mac sun."

One God by The Beautiful South

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