Snowflakes (for Marge with thanks)

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Dark Poetry #4

Snowflakes (for Marge with thanks)

JenniferMaxwell

Member Elite

since 2006-09-14

Posts 2423

0 posted 2006-09-20 02:24 PM

A quickie to see if I got it.

Snowflakes
soft as kittens
delicate as crystal
sparkling on children’s eyelashes
as they etch angels in the downy white
billows winter white miracle
in this cold north country
while I shovel
Snowflakes

[This message has been edited by JenniferMaxwell (09-21-2006 08:21 PM).]

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

1 posted 2006-09-20 02:47 PM

Perfect Jennifer!
As soon as I find some quiet time I am going to have a go at this form.
Marge is going to love it and be so proud!
I know I am!

Hugs~Nancy

~Autumn, the year's last, loveliest smile~

JenniferMaxwell

Member Elite

since 2006-09-14

Posts 2423

2 posted 2006-09-20 02:54 PM

Thanks, Nancy.

It was so kind of Marge to take the time to explain the form. It's really not that difficult, I only had to edit once.

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

3 posted 2006-09-20 03:36 PM

Jennifer~
I am SO APPLAUDING you~

This is absolutely WONDERFUL~
Perfect execution .. you are a good student~

Thank you for this ... it's gonna be a keeper~

And ... when my Enchantress gets her little
Ricta in gear
I'm gonna do another cheer~

WAY TO GO JENNIFER~
*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~
Email - noles1@totcon.com

burntsiena
Junior Member

since 2006-08-10

Posts 34
Rhode Island

4 posted 2006-09-20 10:47 PM

I think few in their right mind could call this short of excellent!  I really enjoy this one in its simplicity and down to earth use of the English language.  Since you want suggestions as most of us here do, I have two, take them for what you want:
*I admit to not being good with rhythm but it seems like taking out the 'this' which might be unnecessary and perhaps hinder the falling motion of the end of the poem.
*The only other part I found to be weaker than the level of the rest of the poem was "in the fleecy down"  which just didnt fit as well for me.

Nonetheless, untouched it is very enjoyable!  I look forward to more...

Burnt Siena
"the never ending vacation - how I wish I was one"

JenniferMaxwell

Member Elite

since 2006-09-14

Posts 2423

5 posted 2006-09-21 01:35 PM

Very good points, burntsiena, I'll work on those. Thanks for reading and commenting.

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