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Dark Poetry #4
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The Serenade
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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The Serenade |
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Mr. Velocity New Member
since 2006-09-13
Posts 1 |
First posted poem. I have never cared to rhyme my writings. Please critique. “The Serenade” Living like a train wreck Smothering himself with excess Sleeping with the Devil’s poets Toying with life; a wonderful waste Slowly eaten away by his parasites Stricken with a glorious apathy, he falls. Spiraling and flailing, kicking and crying He continues the descent into his ultimate dark. Dread encompassing, nightfall becomes his quintessence. Asking for mercy and salvation from a self-made hell, Only to be answered with a bitter-sweet serenade. A song of sorrow sings soulfully from the mouth of a self-made demon. Abashed in horror and disbelief of a creature so foul, Sets him into a torrential downfall of his sanity. Reaching out for a helping hand - met with emptiness- The foundations soon fall out from under him and his collapse continues. Screaming his bitter-sweet serenade while leaving his trail of burning emotions, He watches the times passed. He sees himself; Wasting away, like an eroding shore Singing with more force he continues his bitter-sweet serenade. Ignoring the descent into his ultimate dark, He continues the bitter-sweet serenade. Facing his abandonment, Realizing his plight, Sealing his fate, He continues to scream his song. Finally seeing the ground, Fighting paralyzing fear and anguish he finally lands. Lowered six-feet down, Ending his wasteful life and his bitter-sweet serenade. |
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| © Copyright 2006 Mr. Velocity - All Rights Reserved | |||
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hi Mr. Velocity, Welcome to the darker side of passions!~ Always nice to see a new face joining the crowd, glad you could make it. So, you asked for critique, but I admit that I am not one to give good critiques, as I do not have the experience, yet. I will leave that up to the more experienced readers, until I find I feel confident enough to offer some advice. I can tell you what I did like, and I did like this part! “Living like a train wreck Smothering himself with excess Sleeping with the Devil’s poets Toying with life; a wonderful waste Slowly eaten away by his parasites” it’s a wonderful beginning to the poem, it kind of entrances the reader into wanting to read more, at least it did for me. It was a strong beginning that was very enjoyable to read and was a great influence on the rest of the poem. Thanks for sharing and sorry for the delay in posting a reply!  "I pray thee, O God, that I |
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