staring up at the open sky at night

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Dark Poetry #4

staring up at the open sky at night

burntsiena
Junior Member

since 2006-08-10

Posts 34
Rhode Island

0 posted 2006-08-11 12:16 PM

I am tortured by this
A wrinkled curtain dripping with red
Into a river of pain
EVERYTHING coming in at once
Like the landing of a plane
Docking of a cruise ship
Parking of a tractor trailer
And an oversized meteorite
All crashing into my space

The rooms closing in
I’ve lost control behind the wheel
The ground crumbles at my feet
And I reach for a hand
But the only one left
Says: Finally I know whach you’re doing
So I pray for tranquility

The peace of a sardine
Alone in a tin can
The only nestled offspring of an expectant robin
A feather in an infinite grassy field
A house cat in Versailles
A drop of water in the Sahara
Old faithful, the only one in the country
Staring up at the open sky at night
Lost in thought
Lost in
Tuberculosis

Sorrow
Member

since 2006-06-14

Posts 83
Ireland

1 posted 2006-08-11 10:55 AM

I like the frustration and trapped feeling in your poem. Everything's closing in on you but you can't escape. Or things are happening too fast and you can't control them. I can relate to that big time! Good job!

burntsiena
Junior Member

since 2006-08-10

Posts 34
Rhode Island

2 posted 2006-08-14 02:41 PM

Thanks so much Sorrow...moving to fast, for sure.

trUstNooNe
Member

since 2006-05-21

Posts 91

3 posted 2006-08-14 05:36 PM

Nice i like the way you made examples in the poem very nice!

ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-02-22

Posts 9353
Michigan, USA

4 posted 2006-08-16 12:02 PM

Welcome to passions.

Nice first post here. Unique style, interesting theme.

I read you twice, and would only suggest a spell check to give the final gloss to an outstanding write.

You really set the mood very well, and I liked the examples...you carried them right through each verse. Really good effect.
TD

burntsiena
Junior Member

since 2006-08-10

Posts 34
Rhode Island

5 posted 2006-08-20 10:16 PM

thanks again for the comments...glad you liked it!

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