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Myshkin
New Member
since 2006-07-25
Posts 6
Perth, Australia

0 posted 2006-07-25 10:13 PM



               SMELL THE THORNS


    As I sat and counted shooting stars,
    I looked Eternity deep in the eyes,
    I saw Now - with all its scars,
    And bit my lip with loveless,
    Lovers sighs...
    Wishing that for once I could know
    What to pray for -
      Impulsively rational,
      Calculatingly spontaneous,
    Do I lust after love?
    Or just learn to love lust?

    I undressed my mind with faith,
    And washed her mouth with doubt,
    I woke up and smelled the thorns -
    The tenderest hue of memory flesh.

    I was picking flowers with one hand,
    And digging my grave with the other,
    Leaving none free to wipe away my tears.
    Your wetness - which smiles at me
    With such reckless circumspection.

I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing, than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance.

© Copyright 2006 Timo Farber - All Rights Reserved
Sorrow
Member
since 2006-06-14
Posts 83
Ireland
1 posted 2006-07-25 11:26 PM


"I was picking flowers with one hand,
    And digging my grave with the other" - I think this line is brillant!! I feel like it contrasts life and death... Over all very good. But that line just jumped out at me.

trUstNooNe
Member
since 2006-05-21
Posts 91

2 posted 2006-07-26 11:19 AM


"I undressed my mind with faith,
And washed her mouth with doubt"
thats my favortie part....nice write!

Digital_Hell
Member
since 2006-06-05
Posts 202
Amidst black roses
3 posted 2006-08-01 03:48 AM


A very nice write! i enjoyed it a lot!

quote:
I was picking flowers with one hand,
    And digging my grave with the other,

I loved this part! it speaks beautifully to me.

THe only comment i can deliver on it is the structure. It seems to flow int the first stanza and then you break it up into a more blocky format, i felt this took some away from the poem. but thats just me...

An excellent write. I look forward to reading more

hells gate reads Abandon hope all ye that enter here
shall we go?
the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Will you walk with me?

Brian James
Member
since 2005-06-26
Posts 147
Winnipeg
4 posted 2006-08-01 05:23 AM


Love the username.  Myshkin as in Prince Lev Nikolaivich?  There's a cool dude right there, I tell you what!

If you want constructive criticism, all I've got for you is "ditch the ellipsis because ellipsis is for teenagers."

I like the way this sounds, it's sort of Whitmanesque in the way it bounces ideas off itself and sort of flips around like a pancake.  Here in particular:
quote:
      Impulsively rational,
      Calculatingly spontaneous
I wanted to hate those lines because they seemed redundant, but there's that little difference of order that becomes significant throughout your poem, of the relationship between these two problems (immediacy and rationality), and later comes back as "reckless circumspection."  I kind of like the way you played with synonyms to create that bit of subtlety necessary for the continuity of your theme, but wonder if it couldn't have been handled another way (through analogy or metaphor, maybe).

I love the closing stanza.  Have you ever read the book of Ecclesiastes?

I enjoyed this poem quite a bit and may drop in for more, if you post more.

Brian

"To me, the thing that art does for life is to clean it, to strip it to form."
~Robert Frost

Myshkin
New Member
since 2006-07-25
Posts 6
Perth, Australia
5 posted 2006-08-01 09:37 PM


Thanks for all taking the time to comment - and
Brian - yes that's the Myshkin - and -
yes -
I may have a -
problem -
regarding the -
ellipsis.
          

Spot
Junior Member
since 2006-03-04
Posts 45
CA, US
6 posted 2006-08-02 04:09 AM


"Wishing that for once I could know
What to pray for -"
my favorite line.

I like the different comparisons you set up, in descritptions and in actions (Impulsively rational/Calculatingly spontaneous; lust/love; faith/doubt; picking flowers/digging a grave) and how you both contrast them and highlight their relation or connection.

good write



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