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Dark Poetry #4
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slipping away
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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slipping away |
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Digital_Hell Member
since 2006-06-05
Posts 202Amidst black roses |
Not my normal style... So tell me what you think! And be honest!!! dont just say good write please  This was written as a song and is still a work in progress...In the stillness of the day In the silence of the night I feel I'm slipping away In the chaos of my life In the order of my death I feel I'm slipping away My tears are shed invain I bleed to numb the pain My Heart lies bare So Love me if you dare In the hour before the light In the darkness of the night I feel Im slipping away.... hells gate reads Abandon hope all ye that enter here shall we go? the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Will you walk with me? [This message has been edited by Digital_Hell (07-20-2006 04:51 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 Digital_Hell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Well, I know you said not to just say "good write" but to be honest it is. It's very well done, or that's what I think. The flow is excellent, you can tell a lot of work went into this… I’m not sure if I would know when I read this if it was a song or not but it does sort of have song like qualities in it. The only thing I would suggest is making it longer, not only more stanzas, but also maybe even lengthening the stanzas to include more lines? I’m not sure, I’m not very good at giving ideas… I did like how you ended every stanza/verse with “I’m slipping away” normally I don’t like to see the same line repeated so often, yet in this it really adds to it. That line seems to pull the whole thing together, make it fit so the stanzas/verses make sense with the next one. I can’t wait to see the finished product, I hope you will post it online so we can all see! Thanks for sharing  @-->--- |
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Digital_Hell Member
since 2006-06-05
Posts 202Amidst black roses |
I plan to add a few more stanzas. As for making the stanzas themselves longer, i had considered the idea but the 3 lines allow me to contrast ideas in the first line with that of the second. However thank you for the suggestion and ill certainly consider it. Your opinion is very much valued. and of course ill post the finished result online, we all love being praised and flattered Ill add the rest in this same thread as soon as i complete them. hells gate reads Abandon hope all ye that enter here shall we go? the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Will you walk with me? |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
The 3 line idea works well as a song. So does the repetition. I agree you need more verses. I suggest checking out Reel People's "washing away", the original version at http://www.audiojelly.com/index.cfm?action=more_info.cfm&id=5575 as just like your song, a few lines and a basic rhythm is used, but she intercepts all that with a more tumbling rhythm to highlight the emotional journey of the piece. Did I make any sense there? |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
ps, Digital, I'd like you to tell me what you think about some of my writing. Your input in Philosophy makes me think you could give a thoughtful take on my stuff. I'm saying this, because I've posted something called "Death Chant" in Insights, and I've also got a few things in Spiritual. I wouldn't go as far as to say all my writing's 'dark', but it's definitely obscure. (Shameless Advertisement Over.) |
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trUstNooNe Member
since 2006-05-21
Posts 91 |
intersting and amazing, it will make a killer song... |
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lace_of_light Junior Member
since 2006-08-02
Posts 44 |
I think this would make an killer song like it is. If you put some power chords behind it and had some people screaming the words it would rock. I like it cuz in my mind I'm mosh-pitting to it! "areyouinorareyouout? eitherwayyoucan'twin." he said. "butthefallwillbefantasticandwhat'sleftisnothinglessthanperfection" |
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beautyincalvary Member
since 2006-07-13
Posts 98 |
I know what this is about. I've been there too. |
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Bobomo Junior Member
since 2006-07-15
Posts 35 |
Lace, I was thinking the same thing. This would make an excellent..heavy..song. |
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