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Dark Poetry #4
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A Fool's Prayer
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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A Fool's Prayer |
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Bobomo Junior Member
since 2006-07-15
Posts 35 |
He hopes, He prays Can she forgive Will she remember The life they could live Mistakes of the past They tear him apart Guilt is around him And wilts his heart He waited so long Bitter he became He couldn’t let go Of his ancient pain Promises made Now lost in time Two years of waiting Just one of his crimes They should have been friends But their love was too strong Too early they tried Now she is gone If she were free Can’t give “us” a try He’s hurt her too much Too often she’s cried Finally lost The future they had When she is with him She is always sad He prays, He prays But she gives him no hope The chance they never had Has faded like smoke Now he must leave Forever alone Eternally seeking His Final Home [This message has been edited by Bobomo (07-19-2006 05:04 PM).] |
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Digital_Hell Member
since 2006-06-05
Posts 202Amidst black roses |
Beautiful! absolutely beautiful!!! I could relate to this so well! It quite literally put a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes! "He hopes, He prays Can she forgive Will she remember The life they could live Mistakes of the past They tear him apart Guilt is around him And wilts his heart" I adore this part! It relates to me so well! a excellent write! "They should have been friends But their love was too strong Too early they tried Now she is gone If she were free Can’t give “us” a try He’s hurt her too much Too often she’s cried" And again this struck such a deep chord with me! Very very well done! I loved this. I cant wait to read more of your work!!! The only Critique i can give is this: WHY ISNT THERE MORE! WRITE MORE! I WANT TO READ MORE OF YOUR WORK!!!  hells gate reads Abandon hope all ye that enter here |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Awww! I'm so sad now, I feel sorry for "him", it's as if while reading this the guy came alive in my mind and is a real person. Well, he is and so is she, because there are people out there who've made mistakes like this and regret it... Yet, I felt like you made the emotions come alive in this very well, I enjoyed reading it. "Now he must leave Forever alone Eternally seeking His Final Home" Loved this part, it was sad ... Thanks for sharing  @-->--- |
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Philmont Member
since 2004-01-10
Posts 61 |
To be brutally honest, prayer, like waiting a long time and doing nothing, leads to nothing and will only increase the speaker's guilt. To dwell on a mistake is hopeless. To learn from one, there is hope. To pray, that is a dutiful perpetuation of helplessness. |
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Bobomo Junior Member
since 2006-07-15
Posts 35 |
Thank you all very much for the comments! Philmont - I welcome your critiques but I think there may be some confusion here. What I'm really looking for is advice/comments on the poem itself...how I can become a better poet..instead of advice for the characters I have chosen to write about. |
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Venus1974 Member
since 2006-07-15
Posts 79Tennessee, USA |
good write thanx for sharing Peace and happiness to us all, Venus |
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trUstNooNe Member
since 2006-05-21
Posts 91 |
brutally!:i liked it alot,because i know what this poem is talking about,it's easier to understand when you've been there your self...nice i like it alot (again) |
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the quell Member
since 2006-07-19
Posts 144Liverpool, UK |
so sad and desolate...but utterly brilliant! |
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green_itchy_stuff Senior Member
since 2003-06-26
Posts 1929New Caney, Tx |
Yeah it was nice. I can see your poem on a physical level. God bless, In Christ, -Craig To wrestle is to live; to fight is to love. |
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harriate New Member
since 2006-08-02
Posts 8 |
Alot of effort put in. |
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lace_of_light Junior Member
since 2006-08-02
Posts 44 |
it never stops...loss sucks. i like it but man am i depressed now! it's very nice "areyouinorareyouout? eitherwayyoucan'twin." he said. "butthefallwillbefantasticandwhat'sleftisnothinglessthanperfection" |
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ThisDiamond Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353Michigan, USA |
The story you weaved is brutally honest. Fine job with the delivery, cadence and rhyme. This touched me. TD |
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