How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Archives
 Dark Poetry #4 Archive
 Silky Demise
 1 2 3 4 5
Follow us on Facebook

 This is an Archive. You may post a reply, but new topics are not allowed.

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

Silky Demise

 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
Fabiani
Member
since 05-12-2006
Posts 77
Mesa, Az


0 posted 05-14-2006 06:30 PM       View Profile for Fabiani   Email Fabiani   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Fabiani


I sit in the silence with the shackles

Iím locked in this pen like a fanatical jackal

I Rattle the cell and bend the nail that I hang on

I hear the inmates sing Ancient slave songs

The iron maiden no longer pierces my flesh

My thoughts seep out out and leave a mess

Light is scares in a place such as this where

The zombies that inhabit have a habit of going maverick

Billowing Mildew Drapes my cage the impending resounding doom

Of my existence here has long since caused me fear

Iím anesthetized by time and callused by fate

I die in the penitentiary that I made

Sardonically ironic perhaps a little oxymoronic



"I'm floating the hoaming pigeon out hell's kitchen window
Left an SOS infested bottle nestled in his grip" Aesop Rock
© Copyright 2006 Jose Luis Fabiani Jr. - All Rights Reserved
Walter Poe
Senior Member
since 10-13-1999
Posts 724


1 posted 05-20-2006 09:26 AM       View Profile for Walter Poe   Email Walter Poe   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Walter Poe

Sorry it took me a little while to reply to this it is a good poem it doensn't quite make it to my library but a very good attempt my only comment would be is that it was very strong till around halfway then you seemed to think you needed to pull in a few theosaurus words especially in the last line. You do write well but feeling will always make for better reading than 'intelligence'. This isn't a complaint i just think you lost the feel of the poem otherwise a very good poem.

I went to the desert on a horse with no name, it felt good to get out of the rain.

SATURN
Member
since 05-04-2004
Posts 78
ok,us


2 posted 05-21-2006 12:24 AM       View Profile for SATURN   Email SATURN   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SATURN

i agree it does lose the feeling and makes it a little hard to read understanding wise but very nice.

SATURN
Fabiani
Member
since 05-12-2006
Posts 77
Mesa, Az


3 posted 05-21-2006 01:01 AM       View Profile for Fabiani   Email Fabiani   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Fabiani

yea i dont like this poem eiether lol
Walter Poe
Senior Member
since 10-13-1999
Posts 724


4 posted 06-11-2006 06:17 AM       View Profile for Walter Poe   Email Walter Poe   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Walter Poe

Never said i did't like the poem just that you don't need to use long words when you have emotion

I love you works far better than and stanza of poetry ever devised

I went to the desert on a horse with no name, it felt good to get out of the rain.

Frank W. Torres
Member
since 06-10-2006
Posts 132


5 posted 06-11-2006 01:17 PM       View Profile for Frank W. Torres   Email Frank W. Torres   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Frank W. Torres

I agree with with Poe, that you lost the roll with the big words. Emotion, impact and flow. Your doing fine. Keep on pushing your pen. Take care.
 
 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Archives >> Dark Poetry #4 >> Silky Demise Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors