navwin » Archives » Dark Poetry #4 » scorned
Dark Poetry #4
Post A Reply Post New Topic scorned Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
SATURN
Member
since 2004-05-04
Posts 78
ok,us

0 posted 2006-04-06 12:44 PM



scorned

where we last were is where we are now or so
i wish you look no more upon my face for your
shame has blinded you. you try to build up
the words to say and yet they fall dead.
when you slithered from my life you harmed my
love you were the lover i had always asked for
but you were sneeking and you burned my soul now i
sit here wishing i could have done more to repay you
for the torment you gave me for i did not deserve it. you will forever be scorned upon by souls of the lost.

© Copyright 2006 Hali - All Rights Reserved
SATURN
Member
since 2004-05-04
Posts 78
ok,us
1 posted 2006-05-21 12:35 PM


nothing??

Pauline
Junior Member
since 2006-05-15
Posts 28
Island in the Sun...
2 posted 2006-05-21 05:51 PM


well, i'm surprised no one commented on this yet..so here i m..

i liked this and get where your emotions are coming from...

it's well written but the layout can be improved so that it'll flow better..try something.

niere
Member
since 2006-04-23
Posts 77

3 posted 2006-05-22 12:24 PM


i really really like this - it's so....chant-like at times, and  i think it has a really cool flow to it...

brilliant write and i love it.

SATURN
Member
since 2004-05-04
Posts 78
ok,us
4 posted 2006-06-19 01:47 PM


thanks for the reply they help in different ways.

SATURN.

Frank W. Torres
Member
since 2006-06-10
Posts 133

5 posted 2006-06-19 06:56 PM


Slithered. Fantastic!
Sorrow
Member
since 2006-06-14
Posts 83
Ireland
6 posted 2006-06-19 07:41 PM


"when you slithered from my life you harmed my love" - This is a great line. Nice piece all round SATURN!
stargal
Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352
OR USA
7 posted 2006-06-20 01:09 AM




Okay, not to be mean or anything I think that there is room for a little bit of improvement in certain spots. The first time I read this there were a couple lines that really confused me, when all that needed done to them so they wouldn’t do that would be adding/removing certain words. I know that isn’t such a big deal but I’m one of those people that like to be able to read it and understand it the first time.  So that the next time I’ll be able to build it all up in my mind knowing what will happen yet being able to see the things I missed the first time. Does that make any sense? I hope so…

I liked the flow it was different from anything I’ve read lately, so it’s nice to have that little bit of variety!

My love you were the lover I had always asked for but you were sneeking(?) and you burned my soul

I loved this part, I suppose it is because I can relate to those words so well!
Or the other line that someone else said they liked, they’re perfect for this poem… Great job on this, I can’t wait to read more from you

@-->---

Digital_Hell
Member
since 2006-06-05
Posts 202
Amidst black roses
8 posted 2006-06-20 03:04 PM


interesting write. it has a nice flow to it though
SATURN
Member
since 2004-05-04
Posts 78
ok,us
9 posted 2006-08-16 01:52 AM


first thing thank all of you for your replys.

second stargal, i write exactly how it comes to mind thats how i get all the awards i do even though it means nothing to you. if i try to reword it it becomes forien to me and i feel as if it is not my work.but thank you for your comment.

      SATURN.

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Dark Poetry #4 » scorned

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary