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UseTheIllusion
Member

since 2006-02-06

Posts 223
In a state of limbo

0 posted 2006-02-06 09:13 PM

Constant agony,
Terrible pain,
The noise of a train which drives me insane,
No respite only reprise,
Rendition no surprise,
No straightforward answers only a handful of lies,
A personal hell,
Why, can’t I tell?
Do I deserve this,
All is not well.
A burden on the world,
A moral void,
No Sigmund Frued,
Only Siegfried and Roy,
A spectacle,
A gimmick,
Been on t.v,
Don’t know exactly why I’m here,
But I know why the call me a sissy,
A mistake which refuses to erase itself,
From memory and the mind,
My own telepathic hell,
Isn’t exactly my own design,
Asking anyone for answers,
And receiving no reply,
Helicopters revolving around my home,
Revolving doors inside my mind,
Firy stairs in my car,
Hope I’ll fall down, ain’t merely some.
Up to this point that is my story,
A string of failures,
No road traveled,
Only the sound of flesh scraping itself on gravel,
The hammer of the gavel,
And my perceptions unraveled.

deadkiss
Junior Member

since 2006-02-11

Posts 31
washington

1 posted 2006-02-11 09:24 PM

this has a very fast pace, that gives it a feeling of chaos to me. some places would do better with a word or so taken out such as the word which near the beginning.

Kaos
Member

since 2001-08-02

Posts 317
between space and time

2 posted 2006-02-13 07:34 PM

First of all, excellent first post. The pace is pretty necesssary, there were a few places where a word could've been pulled but they didn't really make too much of a difference. i was slightyly confused in one spot though

'Firy stairs in my car,
Hope I’ll fall down, ain’t merely some.'

what is the 'ain't merely some' for?

i might just be missing something though.. it happens... anyway Welcome to PiP, look forward to seeing more posts from you

Life is a torment and torment an enigma. So burn the shackles of slavery and let love run free
-i wrote it somewhere in time

UseTheIllusion
Member

since 2006-02-06

Posts 223
In a state of limbo

3 posted 2006-02-13 08:06 PM

Thank you Kaos. The line "firy stairs in my car, hope ill fall down aint merely some" means that I percieve people to be staring at me while I am driving (a visual hallucination), and the part about falling down means that I percieve that people wish me to fail in my various enevours.

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