Last Tear - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Kaos
Member

since 2001-08-02

Posts 317
between space and time

0 posted 2005-05-12 12:19 PM

I've been forgotten   within my own mind
the traces of me   empty shimmers in time
I used to cry, cry bloody tears just to sleep
I used to feel pain   wounds burned too deep!
People said i was normal, no problems they see
but if i'm so normal then why'd this happen to me?
I used to be normal  until i met you,
I transcended felt better   felt happy and new.
I haven't been normal   since you broke me down
I haven't been happy   since i started to drown.
Six months of forgetting   all that i was,
i understand   but no one else does.
I locked myself in my mind   refusing to be,
I made myself blind    refusing to see.
Spent such a long time  my mind locked up tight
secretly silenced  my last will to fight.
You made me afraid   to let people get near
it was for you   i cried my last tear

April 4, 01
i've been considering making the last line
" it was your fault    i cried my last tear"

but i'm not sure which i like better so any opinions would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks - Kaos

" How can i feel if i can't breathe...?"
-Godsmack
"If who i am is what i have, and what i have is lost...then who am i?"
(I Ride The Short Bus)

Kaos
Member

since 2001-08-02

Posts 317
between space and time

1 posted 2005-11-11 02:32 PM

No comments?

"Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light"
-Dylan Thomas

SATURN
Member

since 2004-05-04

Posts 78
ok,us

2 posted 2006-01-20 12:41 PM

Leave it as is. sounds so much better that way.
~Hali~

LifeSinger
Junior Member

since 2006-01-15

Posts 25
Kentucky, USA

3 posted 2006-01-21 11:12 AM

SATURN is right, it sounds alot better the way it is. And that was really good!

garysgirl

Member Laureate

since 2002-09-29

Posts 19237
Florida, USA

4 posted 2006-01-22 09:26 PM

I don't think you should change it at all!!
I like it just the way it is.

There is so much feeling in this poem.
Hugs,
Ethel

kitvb1
Junior Member

since 2006-01-23

Posts 28
Trebgast, Germany

5 posted 2006-01-23 03:49 PM

Perfect the way it is, otherwise it would be bitter.

coyote
Senior Member

since 2001-03-17

Posts 1077

6 posted 2006-01-24 05:47 PM

Yeah Kaos, the last line has more impact the way it is......I wouldn't change it either.

Very good rappin' write, man.

CB 8)

"Only the dead, have seen the end of war."
Plato

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.