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vampiana
Member

since 2004-09-08

Posts 296
Nothing and Nowhere

0 posted 2004-10-01 06:35 AM

i sit here,
smiling, laughing along.
feeling this moment
of happiness.
wish it could stay,
wish it would stay.

but there its gone,
the joke is dead.
in one quick sweep,
you wipe away my laughter.
sour expressions fill the room
my eyes dart quickly,
apathy replaces
previous joy and excitement.

no! i scream inside my head,
why can't you see how desperate i am,
go back, rewind, please, please
i want you to laugh,
i want to laugh,
why can't we erase,
the short moment it took,
to once again,
smudge our white surface,
with staining black oil.
suffocating any
forms of hope.

i try a nervous giggle,
icy looks flip my way,
stare me down,
how dare i try
to make it work again,
its over,
its lost,
we give in,
to our world of expressionless
devastation.

"Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?"-Frank from Donnie Darko

darkness_witch
Senior Member

since 2003-12-03

Posts 516
Underneath

1 posted 2004-10-01 07:05 AM

hmmmm.

i loved the ending.. but kinda found it was a stretched out topic.... which eventually thinned.

it was good, but not what i usually expect from you.

love and empathy

vampiana
Member

since 2004-09-08

Posts 296
Nothing and Nowhere

2 posted 2004-10-01 07:08 AM

yes. i agree. i just didn't feel this poem. it was a subject, i'd wanted to write about, but i think i should've waited it out, because i think i killed it.
oh well...
Kirst

"Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?"-Frank from Donnie Darko

Hollow_Emptiness
Senior Member

since 2004-02-01

Posts 715
New Zealand

3 posted 2004-10-01 07:48 PM

I thought the last stanza was great, but yeah I kind of agree with Sophie.

Hollow.

I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. - Gary Jules, Mad World.

Purity
Senior Member

since 2001-11-20

Posts 526
Once Upon, USA

4 posted 2004-10-01 10:27 PM

It just goes to show the beauty of diversity; as for me, I thought it flowed incredibly well, with a totally different feel than others, and the choice to end certain lines with very different, yet definitive words made this one very good for me. And even the title in itself is a poignant poem.

Lose one friend... Lose all friends... Lose Yourself...

vampiana
Member

since 2004-09-08

Posts 296
Nothing and Nowhere

5 posted 2004-10-01 10:33 PM

thanks purity. i'm glad it worked for you, even if it didn't fully work for me.
Kirst

"Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?"-Frank from Donnie Darko

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